Saturday, 23 July 2011

make a statement....

When there's some new celebrity scandal, their publicist and lawyers, mama's and friends all tell them the same thing "make a statement". There's a very good reason for this. The person who says something on the matter, always seems a little less guilty, or remorseful. The public is always inclined to believe what the 'talker' says, or at least wiling to listen. The other person, the one who remains silent, for whatever reason, even if they're the victim, a lot of times comes across as guilty, hiding something, or something along those lines. Most people like to hear the gossip, especially from one of the people involved.

The same can be said of relationships.....

When there's a break-up, the masses are likely to believe the one who's telling the story. He/she did this, they left me without an explanation, they cheat on me, they cursed out my mama, stole my money....the list goes on. Somewhere there's a friend or family member telling the person who the story is being told about "tell your side". because by not talking, by not defending themselves..they are automatically seen as the guilty party.
In my rather humble opinion, I believe that it's nobody's business what is going or has gone on between two people. Because you as the outsider/friend/family member will never actually know what has happened. A relationship should be between 2 people. There are very few people I tell my business to. That is not something that's about to change, because like Chinese whispers, things get twisted from A-Z. I don't feel that a person needs to defend against the story woven, because the people who are important and who love you, know you, those are the only ones who's opinions matter...to me. Unless of course you are a politician or celebrity or some such type person. lol.

This 'make a statement' is also important while you're in a relationship. It really is necessary to talk to the person you're with. As much as you love and know your partner, there is always someone out there willing to make up a story or put a fictitious politricks/movie worthy spin on an issue or situation. The securest person in the world will always have a soft spot, an area where an insecurity can get in and grow like an undiagnosed cancer. The woman/man who wants to take your 'place', who wants to make your life a misery because they are miserable and want company to focus on so they don't have to deal with their own drama, will always be more believable if they tell a story over and over and get others to tell it. In a relationship, you need to talk to your SO. Even if you think you shouldn't have to explain, you think this person should know and trust you. But human emotion is not a controllable thing, it doesn't work on logic. And it's not about you, it's about the other person feeling comfortable, you need to talk and reassure and tell the truth at all costs.

Yes I am fully aware that not making a statement, doesn't make someone guilty. I am also aware that it doesn't make them any more innocent. But there are times when a statement needs to be made...choosing the time is the hard part. I'd much rather you tell me the entire truth, even though it might hurt me, than keep it from me and let it fester and bubble and become something incurable..but that's just me

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Women lie....

We women are the best liars out there. Men lie, sometimes we believe them, sometimes we ignore them sometimes we hire a detective sometimes we burn their clothes....

But women lie. We are the best because it's something we've done for years and will probably do for years to come. We are the best because we lie to OURSELVES and believe it. "He loves me" "This is ok" "I'm happy" "It was my fault". There are tons more. This is why we also believe men's lies..because we've trained ourselves to believe our own.

In my case.....
I was seeing this guy. He was a fixer upper. had a great sob story. The more energy I exerted helping him get over what he needed to get over, the less energy and time I spent thinking about and longing for the person I actually wanted. The person I wanted didn't seem to want me, he seemed to like things a certain way, a way that gave him what he wanted and I never got what I needed...that's for another time...So it was easy to pick up this guy and fix him. I started believing the lie I was telling myself....I'm ok with this set up, I want to be with this man, I love him... *cue the "America's Got talent" X sound* I stayed there longer than I should have, but the why was a good reason.
The lie could only work for so long. At one point the person I really wanted, started to contact me again.. just texts and an email here and there and rarely a call. He wanted to see me, just for a few minutes, meet up, broad daylight in public..LOL. I politely declined, I had my reason. The guy I was seeing however, he has the tendency to believe his own hype, he kinda thinks that he's a great gift from God to women and when he "chooses" you, your life is by far a better place to exist in. So he kept pushing for me to see the other guy. He thought it would be something he could gloat about. I on the other hand knew the truth. I'm always ok when it's just contact limited to technology....seeing him in person on the other hand..ha. I can lie all I want to myself, but he's like that waterfall in Gringott's (the Goblin Bank in the Harry Potter books, it's a defense mechanism that reveals the true person hiding behind any disguise)..he always knows.
Guy I wanted thought I was so in love that I was avoiding him, hanging up, not answering. Not at all the case. I always answered, always replied. I just couldn't deal with seeing him when I was already unhappy (the lie was wearing off) and I didn't know what exactly it was he wanted...
I decided to see him... *sigh*..bittersweet...ah well the truth had to give me a black eye for me to believe it. After that initial time I'd see him occasionally.
There was the time I was getting food for the guy I was seeing, and had to wait, guy I wanted came and sat with me. There was a point where he went to stretch his leg out on my knee, and he pulled back and at the same time I said " it's ok go ahead". Yeh I'm guessing that shouldn't have come out of my mouth, but like I said, he washes away all the lies I tell myself. I lied to him too. I told him I loved the guy I was with...it was a lie I'd long stopped believing...but since guy I wanted was unavailable...it seemed best. By this time it was pretty much over with the guy I was seeing. I could no longer deal with his 'Gift from God' complex, among other positive and pleasing attributes *side eye*
Just to be very clear, guy I wanted had nothing to do with me walking away from guy I was seeing. No cheating, no telling me to leave him..just the opposite really. But like the waterfall in Gringotts, once the lie is revealed, it needs to be dealt with. I had to deal with the lie I'd been telling myself.


If you have someone in your life who is pretty much your Gringott's waterfall.....keep them close to you always.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

there's this man....

I was perusing a friend's blog recently about a recent heartbreak and I thought maybe it was time for me to get back to my own blog.

There's this man who I love....he has his own life and situation to deal with so I won't be getting into all of that... so anyway there's this man who I love. He made a statement the other day and I can apply it to myself in a certain way. It was a blanket statement, and he acknowledged that it was a generalization. ..He said that there are some women who fall in love with a situation and will do anything to keep that situation, and there's the woman who fall in love with a man and will do what they have to, in order to keep that man.

I do agree. There's a man who I love, he has his own life and situation. There are times when he's been selfish and made decisions without me that have affected me, and as a result hurt me in one way or the other. Sometimes his decisions have been selfish just for being selfish, and others have been selfish (in my eyes) by him doing what he felt was selfless.
But I love him. And if this puts women's lib back a few, then so be it. There are certain things I'll "put up" with to have him in my life. I'm not talking about walking in and catching him with another woman, kinda thing. But he has a situation, and who knows how it will pan out, but I love him, I'm not interested in anyone else, nor do I want to be.
I know there are the people who will say "girl don't wait on a man" I can simply reply, that I'm not particularly waiting on him. He's not married and tells me he'll leave his wife. It's nothing like that. I just know that it would be really unfair to be with someone else knowing my feelings for him. I've tried it, the other person can only distract me for so long before whatever energy I put into helping them heal/be fixed wears off and I start to see who they really are. NOT HIM!
I'm not waiting on his situation to change, because we don't actually know if it will, when it might and how that will play out. But there's this man who I love, and I  understand what he's going through and I'm willing to go through it with him..even if that means I do it from afar. I am willing to support him through this whole thing because I love him and I have to believe that he's not lying to me when he explains what's going on.
Some people might think me stupid, too trusting, blinded, whatever. I've come to realise that not everything is what it seems to be. I've also come to understand that when you look at someone's relationship, you never see the full story. You see what's put out there. What you see as a happy situation is sometimes only happy for the public stage.
So like I said, there's this man who I love and I think he loves me right back...so it is what it is and what is to is will is.