We women are the best liars out there. Men lie, sometimes we believe them, sometimes we ignore them sometimes we hire a detective sometimes we burn their clothes....
But women lie. We are the best because it's something we've done for years and will probably do for years to come. We are the best because we lie to OURSELVES and believe it. "He loves me" "This is ok" "I'm happy" "It was my fault". There are tons more. This is why we also believe men's lies..because we've trained ourselves to believe our own.
In my case.....
I was seeing this guy. He was a fixer upper. had a great sob story. The more energy I exerted helping him get over what he needed to get over, the less energy and time I spent thinking about and longing for the person I actually wanted. The person I wanted didn't seem to want me, he seemed to like things a certain way, a way that gave him what he wanted and I never got what I needed...that's for another time...So it was easy to pick up this guy and fix him. I started believing the lie I was telling myself....I'm ok with this set up, I want to be with this man, I love him... *cue the "America's Got talent" X sound* I stayed there longer than I should have, but the why was a good reason.
The lie could only work for so long. At one point the person I really wanted, started to contact me again.. just texts and an email here and there and rarely a call. He wanted to see me, just for a few minutes, meet up, broad daylight in public..LOL. I politely declined, I had my reason. The guy I was seeing however, he has the tendency to believe his own hype, he kinda thinks that he's a great gift from God to women and when he "chooses" you, your life is by far a better place to exist in. So he kept pushing for me to see the other guy. He thought it would be something he could gloat about. I on the other hand knew the truth. I'm always ok when it's just contact limited to technology....seeing him in person on the other hand..ha. I can lie all I want to myself, but he's like that waterfall in Gringott's (the Goblin Bank in the Harry Potter books, it's a defense mechanism that reveals the true person hiding behind any disguise)..he always knows.
Guy I wanted thought I was so in love that I was avoiding him, hanging up, not answering. Not at all the case. I always answered, always replied. I just couldn't deal with seeing him when I was already unhappy (the lie was wearing off) and I didn't know what exactly it was he wanted...
I decided to see him... *sigh*..bittersweet...ah well the truth had to give me a black eye for me to believe it. After that initial time I'd see him occasionally.
There was the time I was getting food for the guy I was seeing, and had to wait, guy I wanted came and sat with me. There was a point where he went to stretch his leg out on my knee, and he pulled back and at the same time I said " it's ok go ahead". Yeh I'm guessing that shouldn't have come out of my mouth, but like I said, he washes away all the lies I tell myself. I lied to him too. I told him I loved the guy I was with...it was a lie I'd long stopped believing...but since guy I wanted was unavailable...it seemed best. By this time it was pretty much over with the guy I was seeing. I could no longer deal with his 'Gift from God' complex, among other positive and pleasing attributes *side eye*
Just to be very clear, guy I wanted had nothing to do with me walking away from guy I was seeing. No cheating, no telling me to leave him..just the opposite really. But like the waterfall in Gringotts, once the lie is revealed, it needs to be dealt with. I had to deal with the lie I'd been telling myself.
If you have someone in your life who is pretty much your Gringott's waterfall.....keep them close to you always.