The night we met..met.. I knew there was something special about Voldermort. I've never actually told him this, which is weird, because I've always had a tendency to oveshare with him.
There are a few things I've never told him. For example, the night we met, I started seeing white picket fences (in my head, not the ones that were in front of us) and a kid or 2. There is no waiting, you may take a breath here, but there is no other shoe to drop. Yes I said it, me who always maintained that I didn't want kids. But that's just the thing, I don't want kids. Just his. I couldn't out of the blue on our first night say "hey dude, I wanna have your baybay". I'm pretty sure there may not have been other nights had that thought popped out of my mouth.
We spent that night, talking and there was touching, some kissing, a little mad driving, and a cosmic force I've never experienced. I suppose that's why this is all so difficult for me. It may seem like nothing, but it's like the feelings are the Hydra, for every head chopped off 2 more grow in its place. Or maybe I'm Icarus and Voldermort is the sun, and I just happened to fly a bit to close, got burned and will never be the same because of it. Love isn't meant to be rationalised. It's not a rational emotion... emotions aren't rational.
Voldermort used to threaten me with one of his baby pictures."If you come to bed like that, you'll end up with one of these". And I'd be like " I don't want kids, I'm the wrong person, go have your kid and come back to me". Biting me in the ass... Cause Voldermort went off and had a kid (but I'm getting ahead of myself)..and though I'm trying to lose some weight right now, let it be known, it has nothing to do with a pregnancy. The thing is, I never actually knew if we would ever get the opportunity, so there was no reason putting it out there. Then I thought we would have the opportunity, I got excited, and then well, let's just say there probably isn't going to be a little Voldermort of mine. I did put in a request, but I don't think he's in the charitable mood. So now I look at happy little chubby babies and mean mug in my heart, then smile, then sigh. I do it with those baby related ads on tv too, well I grimace at the Pampers ad where the pretty little girl is climbing up the dirty stairs at a park or somewhere. Where do they do that at? *ugh* They know they couldn't use a black kid in that ad smdh.
So when I think I'm actually doing something else or engaged in a tv veg-a-tron of House or Burn Notice, SVU, Criminal Minds or some other such "scary that there are things and people like that out there" shows I realise I've missed a big chunk of an episode because I've vegged out on the veg-a-tron. I find that I've been wondering what the mini Voldermort looks like, and the smile on his face with the mini falls asleep on his chest, makes a new noise, grabs his finger, smiles, sleeps, whatever, and then I have wet cheeks cause I wish that I didn't have to wonder but could have first hand knowledge. Then I smile and think about how happy he must be, so my Hydra really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Fact is, I don't have him, and the only spiderbite super power I'd want (yes I've thought about it now..but I'd still nix the spider and the bite) really wouldn't make a great deal of difference. I'd want to go back in time, and change the answer to a question Voldermort asked me. I'd say no instead of yes, and if that question came up again soon after, I'd maintain the negative response. All it would change in this present is that I'd never have thought there ever was an opportunity for a Voldermort of our own. I know another person might change the fact that he has a kid with someone else. But I'd never do that to him, you can't know him, love him and still feel comfortable taking his heart. I'd just make the hydra a little easier to slay.