Monday, 25 July 2011

The Simple Life

I've been meaning to write on this for a while but something kept stopping me, when the time is right, the time is right.

Those darn suffragettes, they fought for a lot, burned a few bras and afforded women the freedoms they have today. ...

So I kinda feel like I'm taking women's lib back a hundred years or so, when I say that, I'd be more than happy being the woman who stays at home, takes care of her family, and still gets to still be creative; painting, making soap, cooking, etc.

Am I?

At first we were made to feel like bad people because we wanted to go off and find a job. Then we were bad because we wanted the child and the career. Now we're bad because we (well some of us) are happy just being the soccer mom.

I have this little talent (?)..I make these pretty little soaps. I was good making them for friends and family. My mom thought it would be a good little business.. so I'm trying it. I was recently offered an opportunity that really doesn't come along all that often, if ever. It however involves doing something that is very far off my comfort meter. Yes in business that's what you do., I just don't have the drive that pushes someone to push past the gag reflex and swallow the sword. I'm not cut out for business, I'm not a business person.  You could say that I'm not ambitious, it'll be seen as a negative. But I like being Martha for my small circle of friends and family. If that builds to more then ok. Can it build without me having to be in the public eye? I would hope so. I have no interest in being a famous soap maker, well a famous soap maker who has to do public speaking.

Does it make me boring? Not really; travel and adventuring and all sorts of things are on the bucket list, I like sexy shoes and I'm open to (hmm open eh) trying new things...I just don't need a whole lot to be happy.

I would be happy with a job that hides me from the world and keeps me in nice shoes. I'd be happy to possibly be a wife, possibly a mommy, and be home with the little one, or work, or work from home (I will need a cleaner). I'm happy supporting the man in my life and never having to set foot in the spotlight other than to up the support.
I don't see that as being a bad thing, without the spine, the body wouldn't be able to stand tall.

So is it wrong to just want to live an average life, without the excitement, but with a whole lot of happy? I think not, I just wish people wouldn't make it seem like it is. There are few things in this world that I fight for, I'm generally not on the top of that list. I go hard for the people I love.Maybe I put too much energy into taking care of other people... then again, maybe that's what I was put here to do. I just prefer to do it from the sidelines...cheer for you, feed you, teach you. If that takes me back 100 be it.

On another note...I think I disappointed someone tonight, it's not a nice feeling. But hopefully this post will explain my POV.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

make a statement....

When there's some new celebrity scandal, their publicist and lawyers, mama's and friends all tell them the same thing "make a statement". There's a very good reason for this. The person who says something on the matter, always seems a little less guilty, or remorseful. The public is always inclined to believe what the 'talker' says, or at least wiling to listen. The other person, the one who remains silent, for whatever reason, even if they're the victim, a lot of times comes across as guilty, hiding something, or something along those lines. Most people like to hear the gossip, especially from one of the people involved.

The same can be said of relationships.....

When there's a break-up, the masses are likely to believe the one who's telling the story. He/she did this, they left me without an explanation, they cheat on me, they cursed out my mama, stole my money....the list goes on. Somewhere there's a friend or family member telling the person who the story is being told about "tell your side". because by not talking, by not defending themselves..they are automatically seen as the guilty party.
In my rather humble opinion, I believe that it's nobody's business what is going or has gone on between two people. Because you as the outsider/friend/family member will never actually know what has happened. A relationship should be between 2 people. There are very few people I tell my business to. That is not something that's about to change, because like Chinese whispers, things get twisted from A-Z. I don't feel that a person needs to defend against the story woven, because the people who are important and who love you, know you, those are the only ones who's opinions me. Unless of course you are a politician or celebrity or some such type person. lol.

This 'make a statement' is also important while you're in a relationship. It really is necessary to talk to the person you're with. As much as you love and know your partner, there is always someone out there willing to make up a story or put a fictitious politricks/movie worthy spin on an issue or situation. The securest person in the world will always have a soft spot, an area where an insecurity can get in and grow like an undiagnosed cancer. The woman/man who wants to take your 'place', who wants to make your life a misery because they are miserable and want company to focus on so they don't have to deal with their own drama, will always be more believable if they tell a story over and over and get others to tell it. In a relationship, you need to talk to your SO. Even if you think you shouldn't have to explain, you think this person should know and trust you. But human emotion is not a controllable thing, it doesn't work on logic. And it's not about you, it's about the other person feeling comfortable, you need to talk and reassure and tell the truth at all costs.

Yes I am fully aware that not making a statement, doesn't make someone guilty. I am also aware that it doesn't make them any more innocent. But there are times when a statement needs to be made...choosing the time is the hard part. I'd much rather you tell me the entire truth, even though it might hurt me, than keep it from me and let it fester and bubble and become something incurable..but that's just me

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Women lie....

We women are the best liars out there. Men lie, sometimes we believe them, sometimes we ignore them sometimes we hire a detective sometimes we burn their clothes....

But women lie. We are the best because it's something we've done for years and will probably do for years to come. We are the best because we lie to OURSELVES and believe it. "He loves me" "This is ok" "I'm happy" "It was my fault". There are tons more. This is why we also believe men's lies..because we've trained ourselves to believe our own.

In my case.....
I was seeing this guy. He was a fixer upper. had a great sob story. The more energy I exerted helping him get over what he needed to get over, the less energy and time I spent thinking about and longing for the person I actually wanted. The person I wanted didn't seem to want me, he seemed to like things a certain way, a way that gave him what he wanted and I never got what I needed...that's for another time...So it was easy to pick up this guy and fix him. I started believing the lie I was telling myself....I'm ok with this set up, I want to be with this man, I love him... *cue the "America's Got talent" X sound* I stayed there longer than I should have, but the why was a good reason.
The lie could only work for so long. At one point the person I really wanted, started to contact me again.. just texts and an email here and there and rarely a call. He wanted to see me, just for a few minutes, meet up, broad daylight in public..LOL. I politely declined, I had my reason. The guy I was seeing however, he has the tendency to believe his own hype, he kinda thinks that he's a great gift from God to women and when he "chooses" you, your life is by far a better place to exist in. So he kept pushing for me to see the other guy. He thought it would be something he could gloat about. I on the other hand knew the truth. I'm always ok when it's just contact limited to technology....seeing him in person on the other hand..ha. I can lie all I want to myself, but he's like that waterfall in Gringott's (the Goblin Bank in the Harry Potter books, it's a defense mechanism that reveals the true person hiding behind any disguise)..he always knows.
Guy I wanted thought I was so in love that I was avoiding him, hanging up, not answering. Not at all the case. I always answered, always replied. I just couldn't deal with seeing him when I was already unhappy (the lie was wearing off) and I didn't know what exactly it was he wanted...
I decided to see him... *sigh*..bittersweet...ah well the truth had to give me a black eye for me to believe it. After that initial time I'd see him occasionally.
There was the time I was getting food for the guy I was seeing, and had to wait, guy I wanted came and sat with me. There was a point where he went to stretch his leg out on my knee, and he pulled back and at the same time I said " it's ok go ahead". Yeh I'm guessing that shouldn't have come out of my mouth, but like I said, he washes away all the lies I tell myself. I lied to him too. I told him I loved the guy I was was a lie I'd long stopped believing...but since guy I wanted was seemed best. By this time it was pretty much over with the guy I was seeing. I could no longer deal with his 'Gift from God' complex, among other positive and pleasing attributes *side eye*
Just to be very clear, guy I wanted had nothing to do with me walking away from guy I was seeing. No cheating, no telling me to leave him..just the opposite really. But like the waterfall in Gringotts, once the lie is revealed, it needs to be dealt with. I had to deal with the lie I'd been telling myself.

If you have someone in your life who is pretty much your Gringott's waterfall.....keep them close to you always.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

there's this man....

I was perusing a friend's blog recently about a recent heartbreak and I thought maybe it was time for me to get back to my own blog.

There's this man who I love....he has his own life and situation to deal with so I won't be getting into all of that... so anyway there's this man who I love. He made a statement the other day and I can apply it to myself in a certain way. It was a blanket statement, and he acknowledged that it was a generalization. ..He said that there are some women who fall in love with a situation and will do anything to keep that situation, and there's the woman who fall in love with a man and will do what they have to, in order to keep that man.

I do agree. There's a man who I love, he has his own life and situation. There are times when he's been selfish and made decisions without me that have affected me, and as a result hurt me in one way or the other. Sometimes his decisions have been selfish just for being selfish, and others have been selfish (in my eyes) by him doing what he felt was selfless.
But I love him. And if this puts women's lib back a few, then so be it. There are certain things I'll "put up" with to have him in my life. I'm not talking about walking in and catching him with another woman, kinda thing. But he has a situation, and who knows how it will pan out, but I love him, I'm not interested in anyone else, nor do I want to be.
I know there are the people who will say "girl don't wait on a man" I can simply reply, that I'm not particularly waiting on him. He's not married and tells me he'll leave his wife. It's nothing like that. I just know that it would be really unfair to be with someone else knowing my feelings for him. I've tried it, the other person can only distract me for so long before whatever energy I put into helping them heal/be fixed wears off and I start to see who they really are. NOT HIM!
I'm not waiting on his situation to change, because we don't actually know if it will, when it might and how that will play out. But there's this man who I love, and I  understand what he's going through and I'm willing to go through it with him..even if that means I do it from afar. I am willing to support him through this whole thing because I love him and I have to believe that he's not lying to me when he explains what's going on.
Some people might think me stupid, too trusting, blinded, whatever. I've come to realise that not everything is what it seems to be. I've also come to understand that when you look at someone's relationship, you never see the full story. You see what's put out there. What you see as a happy situation is sometimes only happy for the public stage.
So like I said, there's this man who I love and I think he loves me right it is what it is and what is to is will is.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Exercising the exercise the body....?.....

Someone recently said to me "I know how you lost weight...jumping to conclusions". LOL

Let me start off by saying.. I know that I can move from point A to Z in what seems (to others) like no time at all. But trust me there's a method to my madness. It's not far fetched to get from A to Z in 0-60, it's just how my mind works. Yes I know I can stop at B and ask a question and leave it there, but depending on how fast I want out of a situation that seems on the verge of bringing me to tears, my mind over powers my common sense and takes over. I can explain how I got to Z quite easily if the person wants to know.

Take this example. I say to you: "I need the garden landscaped and I'd like your unique expertise" and you reply "You know there are other people who can fix that up for you, my expertise isn't all that unique". I'm going to assume that you don't want the job. Then I'm (wrong for doing this, but it's a fault of mine) going to put myself in your place, if you don't want this job, then that other job in the backyard I asked about a while back with no reply, is probably going down the same road. Here I will assume that you are probably booked up with jobs and do not need nor want mine, and you're quite happy because you're getting paid.

See, A-Z, that's how I arrived at that point. It's best to say yes I want the job, no I don't want the job, yes I want the job but I can't handle it right now, please keep me in mind for any work you might have going later on. Especially at present when my psychic powers of deduction and ESP are very wonky.

I actually wish jumping to conclusions (aka.A to Z in 0- 60) would help me lose weight. Cause I have a ways to go yet.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Chronicles of Voldermort 2.

The night we met..met.. I knew there was something special about Voldermort. I've never actually told him this, which is weird, because I've always had a tendency  to oveshare with him.

There are a few things I've never told him. For example, the night we met, I started seeing white picket fences (in my head, not the ones that were in front of us) and a kid or 2. There is no waiting, you may take a breath here, but there is no other shoe to drop. Yes I said it, me who always maintained that I didn't want kids. But that's just the thing, I don't want kids. Just his. I couldn't out of the blue on our first night say "hey dude, I wanna have your baybay". I'm pretty sure there may not have been other nights had that thought popped out of my mouth.
We spent that night, talking and there was touching, some kissing, a little mad driving, and a cosmic force I've never experienced. I suppose that's why this is all so difficult for me. It may seem like nothing, but it's like the feelings are the Hydra, for every head chopped off 2 more grow in its place. Or maybe I'm Icarus and Voldermort is the sun, and I just happened to fly a bit to close, got burned and will never be the same because of it. Love isn't meant to be rationalised. It's not a rational emotion... emotions aren't rational.

Voldermort used to threaten me with one of his baby pictures."If you come to bed like that, you'll end up with one of these". And I'd be like " I don't want kids, I'm the wrong person, go have your kid and come back to me". Biting me in the ass... Cause Voldermort went off and had a kid (but I'm getting ahead of myself)..and though I'm trying to lose some weight right now, let it be known, it has nothing to do with a pregnancy. The thing is, I never actually knew if we would ever get the opportunity, so there was no reason putting it out there. Then I thought we would have the opportunity, I got excited, and then well, let's just say there probably isn't going to be a little Voldermort of mine. I did put in a request, but I don't think he's in the charitable mood. So now I look at happy little chubby babies and mean mug in my heart, then smile, then sigh. I do it with those baby related ads on tv too, well I grimace at the Pampers ad where the pretty little girl is climbing up the dirty stairs at a park or somewhere. Where do they do that at? *ugh* They know they couldn't use a black kid in that ad smdh.

So when I think I'm actually doing something else or engaged in a tv veg-a-tron of House or Burn Notice, SVU, Criminal Minds or some other such "scary that there are things and people like that out there" shows I realise I've missed a big chunk of an episode because I've vegged out on the veg-a-tron. I find that I've been wondering what the mini Voldermort looks like, and the smile on his face with the mini falls asleep on his chest, makes a new noise, grabs his finger, smiles, sleeps, whatever, and then I have wet cheeks cause I wish that I didn't have to wonder but could have first hand knowledge. Then I smile and think about how happy he must be, so my Hydra really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Fact is, I don't have him, and the only spiderbite super power I'd want (yes I've thought about it now..but I'd still nix the spider and the bite) really wouldn't make a great deal of difference. I'd want to go back in time, and change the answer to a question Voldermort asked me. I'd say no instead of yes, and if that question came up again soon after, I'd maintain the negative response. All it would change in this present is that I'd never have thought there ever was an opportunity for a Voldermort of our own. I know another person might change the fact that he has a kid with someone else. But I'd never do that to him, you can't know him, love him and still feel comfortable taking his heart. I'd just make the hydra a little easier to slay.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Chronicles of Voldermort 1.

I call him Voldermort, you know, as in "he who shall not be named". saying his name out loud, brings on a hurting that I'm not sure I'm in a good enough emotional state to withstand.
I think we all have a Voldermort, it's a blessing and a curse. I say thank you Voldermort, because before you I never knew I could love anyone, to this edge of insanity. When Bruno Mars sings about catching a grenade, I understand, because no matter what you put me thought, I'd still push you out of the way to save you without giving a second thought to my life. Even if you don't deserve it.
It's a curse for the same reason. No one will ever come close to taking me to this edge of insanity. therefore they will never be able to "do it" for me, mentally, physically and emotionally. So I'm sure some decent man is out there, but that decent man is a settle, and I'd rather be alone than be unhappy (because trust me, at some point, 1 month or 10 years into it, "Voldermort you are not", will come rearing it's ugly head and you will be less that happy happy joy joy).
I don't want to hear anyone tell me, that Voldermort doesn't deserve me, I don't want to hear "you're too good for him" he's this and he's that, because at the end of the day, I already know his flaws and faults, you telling me them isn't actually gonna do a damn thing.
You know that joke going around, where the husband bets his wife that she can't make one statement to him that can make him both happy and sad at the same time....and she replies"out of all you're friends you have the biggest penis". That's Voldermort, the only man who could make me happy and sad at the same time.
I usually just write stuff down, or ignore it when it pops into my head at 3am when I can't sleep because some thought of Voldermort wakes me out of my sleep. But hey, this is the technical age, forget Narnia, let's take it to Voldermort.

J.K I am a huge fan, don't sue me or something ok.

Thursday, 17 March 2011


Disclaimer *I am in no way saying that I am obese* please hold the steups and cut eye

At some point we all have a few lbs we'd like to lose from here or here, and sometimes here too. The thing is, I'm no longer in my 20s, so it takes me double the time to dispose of the same amount of weight as it did back then. I can't tell you how much I weigh, no I mean that, I can't tell you, because I don't know. I assume that I need to lose about 15lbs, but I don't own a scale and I don't like the idea of being driven by a particular weight. I am not overweight for my height and frame, but I'm not  comfortable, and neither are my skinny jeans.My wanting to drop some lbs isn't driven by a number goal, but by how I feel in my clothes. if I can no longer fit comfortably in a particular pair of jeans I know I need to do something about it. And the answer is not to buy a bigger size.

I'm not a lover of the gym. I was however in a relationship with a man who has a love affair with the gym. He bullied me into getting a gym membership so we could "workout together", which meant him and his buddies in the weight room, and me on the treadmill fending off lecherous  old men who found it appropriate to try to talk to me while huffing and puffing and trying to see their feet which were hiding under their massive guts. I also didn't quite enjoy the young men who would stand in front of me at the leg press machine (you know, the one where you sit with your legs splayed and press the weights inwards with your thighs) while obviously hoping they had x-ray vision to see my crotch through my black exercise leggings, tights whatever they're called.
The relationship and my gym membership lasted about the same amount of time.It didn't pass 12 months..

So I'm at home trying to work out an hour a day, yoga, step machine, leg lifts, something, because this fat is not cute. If the fat would land on my chest and pump up my lady lumps I'd be happy. But seeing that it has moved into the hip, thigh and more than ample ass area, it has to go. Operation evict fat, in full effect.

Now should I have pumpkin soup or saltfish and green bananas for lunch.....

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Where you at?


Disney, our mama's, life, feeds us fairy tales. You know, poor little rich/not so rich girl, goes through some traumatic experience, schleps about for a few years, all despondent, forgotten, lost, and then one day out of nowhere, a genie, a benefactor (think Pretty Woman) , prince charming comes along and rescues her.

So I'm just wondering where you at?

Not to sound whiney but where the hell are you? I don't particularly need rescuing, but someone to watch Burn Notice with would be nice sometimes. I think I've been a pretty good girl, yes I've said some foul ish when needed and sometimes out of hurt and anger, but my conscience is clear. So why am I in this life rut, and I say life because my whole life just doesn't feel right at the moment.

This isn't about me wanting what other people have, because I sure as hell don't know what they did to get it, actually in some cases I do know, and that's worse. I just have to wonder when my turn's gonna come. Patience may not be a virtue I have, but I feel like I've been waiting for a decade and still, bubkis.

I just need someone who knows where the light switch is, because right now all I feel is lost in the dark

Saturday, 19 February 2011

you WANT to get married..ADMIT it

Once again Facebook comes up trumps. My friend (yes an actual friend) linked an article by some chick. This woman is of the opinion that all other women want to get married and just haven't admitted it to themselves, she seems to also think that the fact that you're an unwed woman, is not really a choice, more the result of things you're doing wrong.


1.You're an angry bitch. You may not know it but you are, Kim Kardashian smiles and giggles, and men want someone to be nice to them because female anger scares them.
* This chick needs to GTFOH. Because we only see the celebrity smile and wiggle on camera means she's not angry? Really?She probably wakes up with a face as full of make as her ass is full of silicone. I don't think I'm overly intelligent, I don't believe myself stupid, and I know I'm not angry.Piss me off and you'll see angry, but I do not walk around mad at the world. But is this woman really saying that in order to land a husband and keep him, we have to keep out temper in check if he does something worthy of it. What just rub his back when you've been working all day and he can't lift a finger to help? Really? Am I being punked?

2.You're shallow. You are supposed to be looking for a man of character but you don't have one because you're not actually looking for his character, and men of great character are all over the place waiting patiently for you to stop looking for money and attractiveness.
* So apparently all men of good character are poor and ugly. And thinking or wanting someone attractive and not broke, is what teen girls think about and men of character don't want to marry teen girls...(they probably only want to sleep with them 18-19 of course).

3.You're a SLUTPUPPY.----this is the one that got me-- So if you're trying to get married (cause we all are) you cannot have sex outside of a committed relationship, that makes you a slut and after a certain age recreational sex is like a drug and as with many drugs it doesn't stay recreational for long. This is due to (here comes the science) "oxytocin" a bonding hormone released when women nurse babies and orgasm. Because of this you can't have casual sex, you will "bond" with the man.

* Can I ask one question .....Mommies out there, do you orgasm when you breastfeed? Cause apparently it's one and the same on some level.
Anyway. Let me set something straight. I have had casual sex, it doesn't make me a slutpuppy any more than eating in McDonalds and enjoying it, means that I cannot appreciate a filet mignon. It also doesn't mean that I will have to walk into Mickey Dees every day and order a happy meal. I guess men must breast feed and release this oxytocin too because what I have found is that it's the men who get attached. I think there is a major difference between making love, having sex and fucking. But that's just me. You can do all 3 with someone you love, but they don't all apply to a casual sex partner. You can have a causal sex partner for years depending on location and relationship issues etc, but I've found it best to take what you need and roll out after 6 months, because years later I have dudes trying to "hang out" while I pass them in the street nod, smile and carry on like nothing, because truth be told, I had them for a reason and they fulfilled their purpose.
I have only ever been addicted to one man, and while he is the best I've ever had, it's because I was already madly in love with him for 2 years before we ever had any "relations". Sorry lady, sex is sometimes just that. If you go into a fling type thing knowing that you want more, you better tell the other person or walk away, because sex doesn't make anyone stay, there's always something else. Good sex is a bonus, and when you love someone, sex with them somehow is the best...unless your man really sucks....

4.You're a Liar. You meet a man you like the man the man has an issue like um he's married, you tell the man all you want is fun sex because if you mention the M word he'll no longer call you, but you think if he spends enough time with you one day he'll figure out he can't live without you.
*I don't actually have an issue with this one, because it surely happens. You can hope and pray and throw pennies in a fountain all you want, but if he doesn't want you,....wait a minute you never know he might have some of that oxytocin thing, have him breast feed you and give him an orgasm and you might be married within the week.

5.You're selfish. You need to stop thinking about the fat on your thighs and be like the celebrity moms, go have a baby and the husband will come along after because once you have that kid, husband potential will know you can think about others.
*UM???? Really? See this is the thing that I don't get. A woman has a kid and all of a sudden she doesn't exist as a woman, all she is, is mommy. No wonder I'm not married but dying to be, cause I sure as hell will be telling the kid, this is how we roll. You don't have to sacrifice who you are to be mommy, and wifey, the man doesn't want to marry his mother (well some do, avoid those like the plague) he doesn't want to marry you because you are an unwed mother, he will want to marry you because you are YOU. You forgetting who you are, means you forgot who he married, so don't be surprised when he starts looking elsewhere for someone who reminds him of who you used to be.

6.You're not good enough. This is obvious because you want someone better than you. Better looking, smarter  etc.
*So does this mean I shouldn't want to go to school and get educated, because that obviously means I'm dumb and want to be smart so I can find a smart man who's better than me. Hold up....What's wrong with wanting someone smarter than you, or sexy as hell. Chances are you may think the man is smarter than you, but he might be thinking the same of you in another subject area. That's called BALANCE. I want someone better at taxes and math than me, because I'm crap with that stuff, why should we both be bad at something that will have a big impact on our lives together? Does it mean I'm on a dating website asking to be matched up with Einstein's last living relative? No nimrod, it means I want to be with someone who will challenge me, make me think, keep me entertained. It means I don't want to wake up look at the person next to me and start screaming because I think I'm in a waking nightmare. Men have had the trophy chicks on their arms since (as my friend JSV would say) Jesus was a lad. I think one of us should be pretty, why in the hell not him. Does this mean I think I'm not good enough? No it means I know my limitations and I want a life partner who will balance and enhance where I need it as I will for him.

The woman who wrote the article says she's been married 3 times. Really? You have something to say? My bad it's about every woman wanting to be married, not about them wanting to stay married.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

The Game

Ok, for those of you who don't know, BET has a show called "The Game", it was canceled, it's returned, black folk watch and discuss. It's about a football team, the wives and players and their lives.

The latest episode aired this week, and (thank you facebook) a male friend made a comment, that the character Janay is less 'skanky' than the character Melanie.
Little background; player, Derwin, cheated on his fiance Melanie with football groupie Janay, left Melanie because Janay ended up pregnant and he thought this was what he was "supposed" to do. End of the day he still loved Melanie, and they got back together, and got married, Janay had the baby and they were all playing happy families. Melanie gave the baby a DNA test (yes it was wrong, but it was on a whim, not premeditated) and Janay was furious told Derwin she was gonna take him to court for money, and he decided to try to appease everyone especially himself, lied to his wife and was spending a day a week hanging with the baby momma and kid.

Ok, so he made this comment that Janay is less skanky and Melanie is insecure and jealous. Melanine slept with more people than Derwin (but Janay was a groupie eh, she had her fair share of mens) and Janay is the baby mama.
I asked, why is it that the baby mama gotta always win. First off he cheated on his woman and got the other woman pregnant. The other woman knows how in love he is with his child, and is using that to get back up under him. While his wife has forgiven him, and has accepted the child, the baby will forever be a constant reminder of what he did. Don't get me wrong, this is in no way the child's fault, and once she's accepted the situation I would expect her to treat the child like her own. But it's a slap in the face, and the other woman knows this, the fact remains she will always be the mother of the 1st child. That right there is a big deal. But I'm still trying to understand how he could say Janay is less skanky. Seriously? WTF?
Everything the wife is doing, stems from an insecurity that the man caused. Yet she loves him so she's trying to accept the situation and live with his mistake. Yet he lies in her face and runs off to play house with the same chick trying to wife him up by manipulating the situation and using her child to do it. That is just wrong to me, and SKANKY. Who uses a baby to catch a man? That ish still works?

It was my male friend and another female and i in this little discussion. It was just interesting to see where he was coming from, since she and I (who do not know each other) had pretty much the same thought process. He on the other hand, needs to take a slow boat back to Mars. Love you boo, but uh uh

Just because you're the baby mama, doesn't mean you have rights to the man. ....just sayin

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Sperm Donors

Facebook always gives me something to muse and ponder upon.
Someone posted a link to some coverage of the Halle Berry and her baby daddy, the white (French Canadian dude), drama. Anyhow it's being said that he called her a nigress/nigger/niggah, whatever, and that was a big part of why the relationship fell apart. Now they're going through some ugly custody battle for their, as she gushed to Oprah "pretty little baby". A discussion ensued.

One man said that the way he saw it, Halle used dude as a sperm donor and as soon as the baby was born she no longer had use for him, and while everyone is rushing to her defense, why not ask the question "what might be wrong with her, seeing that all her relationships ended nasty". I must say, he held his own with the onslaught of 'you crazys, how dare yous' and other things rained down upon him by a slew of women.

I however share his opinion. I have always thought she seemed a little nutty. Seemed- how something looks not what it is or isn't, or what I believe, I do not know her-. However all this talk about making my beloved Eric cut those sexy dreds (woman you cannot remove a rasta man dreds....where they do that at????)..the hit and run etc have to wonder. Anyway. She's been the common denominator in a few bad relationships, instead of looking at the beautiful actress who won an Oscar for an unnecessary gratuitous sex scene, strip that away, she's a woman who's been in a couple bad break-ups...maybe we should go "hey, maybe it's her"

I don't know mz Berry. I do know this one guy. His wife cheat, they split up, few months later, we dated, few months later I start getting the "orange alert" feeling. Then I left. Few months later he has a new girl, fewer months after that she's wearing a ring and they live together. Now I left, his wife cheat and his mama and friends, say oh what a great guy, how can they do that to him, who do they think they are, they don't know what to do with a good man. What I have learnt is that there are a myriad of reasons why people do things. I don't always agree with the reasoning, but I can understand why, whether it be, a smothered feeling and a need to escape by all means necessary, some latent now coming to the surface, altruistic sensibility, whatever.

When one person is the common factor in a few of these "bad" relationships, maybe the friends and family need to take a step back and look at them without the rosy pink glasses. Being friends with someone is totally different to being 'involved' with someone. People don't always put their business out in the street so someone may seem-the way things look- to be one way, but it's different when you have first hand knowledge of another side that people don't see.

Onto the sperm donation. I think women get to a certain age and either think they need to have a child, because it's expected of them or because they don't have a man and are lonely, sometimes shock horror, just because they actually are ready to take care of and love a baby. Sometimes they have a man, sometimes they don't, sometimes they need to go to Africa, Asia and the Moon to adopt a child because there are no children in need in their backyards.
The desperate to be loved woman, is the one who ends up unhappy because she's hopped into bed/.marriage with the first man to come along and deposit sperm where necessary. She probably doesn't love him but hey, she got a kid and she can now die knowing she used her womb for the greater good.
The women being hounded by parents and friends "when are you gonna get married and have a baby" they too usually end up miserable, because they run headfirst into a situation to escape the questions and judgments, because every woman of a certain age must be married with kids or forever be a hangnail on the big toe of civilization.
Sometimes women just want to have a child and can find no suitable men to have a relationship with but have analyzed a few men and found one to have the best genes to share with their offspring and choose him to donate (sometimes he knows, sometimes he doesn't).

My mother doesn't ask me when I'm having a kid, she has 2 grandkids and she needs to be happy with that. There is only one man, despite drama and whatever, who I would rent my womb to for 10 months (they say it's actually 10). There is only one man I would willingly have a child with. He however is not available, it would seem -how things appear, perhaps not how they are- that he was never really available, but I had ingested the bluepill. So to all you people out there telling me to "wemp up the belly" and looking at me crosseyed when I say there will be no small parasite feeding off me from the inside, GTFOH (get the fuck outta here), you're not walking around swollen for months, squeezing a big headed mini person out of your vah jayjay, feeding, clothing and educating it for life. So either go have your own or leave me be. I'm looking into a toy breed to carry around in my handbag. I can do bad all by myself I do not need a child to love me unconditionally, to have a little person who only knows me as mommy the world, to absolve me of past wrong doing and not judge me. I would love to go half on a baby with not you, him, but like I said, that isn't open for discussion, so hurry up with my godkids all of my loved up friends. PS:I'm very open to being "aunty" "stepmommy" or whatever.

Women, do not get caught up in this idea that we were placed here to breed and serve no useful purpose if we do not. Live your life, if you want to wallow in pain for a while, do it, if you would like some sexercise but aren't interested in fuck buddies or batteries, leave it alone and find something to focus on. I'm trying to focus on getting my sexy's hiding under a layer of fat that keeps inviting friends to join.
Women don't get caught up thinking you have to have a man/woman in your life or you've failed as a human. Unless it's not working out for you on an individual level. Hate to break the news, that the older we get, the less the grown and sexy gene pool gets. Those men either are at the mid life crisis stage, where they need to trophy chick who they need a prescription of viagra/a pacemaker/ coke and booze/a stand in dick to keep up with; have had a bad experience in a few or the last relationship and are jaded, are plain old not looking to settle down type, GAY, or already taken. I wish you all luck.

I'm not looking. I have given up on love and other drugs.

ps: The Mayan people predicted the end of the world....get your groove on people,.

Thursday, 3 February 2011


You can love many different people in this world, but there's only one person who you love the most. #Bones

will always love you most

have a good life.


grieving..trying to get one with life...battered and bruised

redpill vs bluepill

The Matrix, is a cult classic. I'm not so in love with the sequels, but u know the original, where the universe was introduced to those 2 little pills that decide your fate...that I love.

I always want the truth, it sometimes is great many times it sucks, but at least you know what you're dealing with.
For instance if someone knows something or did something, that would somehow have an impact on your life, would you rather know from the getgo and be able to make an informed decision or get your head right, or just go along not knowing anything and get blindsided right at the point where you think your life is on the brink of greatness?  

To be honest I'd rather have had that red pill from morning, than get half 7 months after the fact then the other half a month later. At least I'd have been able to box all the emotions up in one go, cry til my throat was sore, and my eyes puffy little slits and my nose a runny mess.

Thing is I would have totally understood the reasoning. But when one person holds the cards and deals them at's not fair. But then life ain't fair.

Let me just say this and be done with this. I have said some hurtful things yes. I can acknowledge them. I can only say the way things seem, that doesn't mean I believe it, it means I don't know what to believe. Not that it matters anymore. It's good to be able to put aside selfishness for an innocent, I get it, but it doesn't make not putting it aside in the beginning, by keeping important info to yourself, any less wrong....could explain the tossing and turning though..hmm

"Not gonna happen"...guess 1st will be the only one...that's how it seems. ...maybe that's how it ought to be. what do I know?

Wishes of happiness and joy for you. But excuse me if I need some time to grieve

I love that Jazmine Sullivan song, "Lions and tigers and bears"...there's a line "why do we love love, when love seems to hate us" chick was on point. I think I give up.."my heart big but it beat quiet"

People please forgive the ranting that seems to follow no sequence. Today I pretty much lost the one person I would talk to about any and know how it's said that you only get one...well my "one" walked out on me's a battle it seems I'm not supposed to fight let alone win.....rightly so....doesn't make it hurt any less.

lastly, I still believe that if the 2 or one of the 2 isn't happy, then the innocent ends up suffering in the long run. But that may be me being selfish... I suppose one can never know how strong they are til strong is the only choice....but I have no reason to pick up and shake it off...this is going to be one long hard uphill battle. But hey..maybe I'll lose some weight on the way up.

Saturday, 29 January 2011

Smoke without Fire?

I want to talk a little about rumors.

We have all heard them, spread them (yes because just repeating with or without malice is spreading) believed them without proof and not wanted to believe them. Some of us lucky (can you hear the sarcasm) ones have had one or more spread about us.

Now usually where you see smoke, there's a fire, smoldering ember or something of that ilk, lurking behind a bush or in someone's underwear.

Ok, when you hear a rumor, depending on the juiciness factor, you tend to believe it....the same way you tend to blindly believe a loved one when they tell you something.
This could be about the male doctor who wants his female patients to take their shirt off even if they come in with a broken finger. It could be about the authority figure who abuses and misuses their authority especially where sexual favors are concerned. It could be about the Significant Other (SO) who is playing you for a other women/men their CC to use at their will, sleeping with other people when they feel like it and can get it.

I would advise you to look into the actual rumor, I know it's scary sometimes because if they turn out to be true...then that's a big hit to your psyche. But smoke may turn out to be water vapor, steam from a kettle you know, not actual proof that any fire was ever there.
On the other hand, we never really want to believe rumors about people we love, we want to think that maybe it's just jealousy, and a recurring theme just has to do with people picking up on the initial rumor months/years later. But there comes a point where you have to face the fact that there may be a budding pyromaniac closer than you think..

If you find out that the rumor was just that, then be secure, trust and believe at face value and move on with life as though there was nothing rumored to begin with.

If you however find out that you have a firestarter nearby, keep a bucket of water handy and walk away...if you can't, then at least keep in a corner of your mind that this person is a liar, so as to not raise your hopes and expectations of what you can have.

There is another part of the pie chart. The rumor is never dealt with, you never get an actual answer, you never get closure, you never find out if it's water vapor or pyromaniac. In this case, you're on your own, can't help you. Make a decision to walk or to stay. Kinda like those chicks on "Basketball Wives"...we know our men are cheating, maybe, it seems so, but well we like our lifestyle, we love them, they kill spiders for us. You know, make a decision to be disappointed and unfulfilled for life, or be insanely hurt but less likely to double over when your ulcer becomes mega ulcer from stress and unhappiness and insensitivity.

Just saying.......

Tuesday, 18 January 2011


The other night, some fake friends of mine took me out in hopes of killing my old ass. Ha, joke's on them I survived!!!

Ok no seriously, I went out with my girls the other night, and while we were at one venue chilling, the ex and his lady walked in. We said our hellos he answered a question for me, I said nothing to his lady, I don't know her. Anyway so it dawned on me that while he was all messed up during and after the breakup, I was correct about something I was trying to explain to him, but he refused to hear it.
I suppose when you're feeling pain, you tend not want to hear stuff. I told him that sometimes people come into your life to do a particular job, and when their work is done they move on. I was trying to explain to him that perhaps I had come into his life at the time to show him that there are other women out there who he can have a meaningful relationship with after all the drama with the last one, and lo and behold he's with this person now, and all sort of happy rumors are milling around. It's not my business, but people keep telling me how happy they seem.....Anyway. Like I was saying, this could be "the one" the forever lover that he might have missed out on had I been emotionally blackmailed into staying in the situation.

On that note I started thinking that when two people are involved and it ends or some roadblock gets in the way and it seems that it's the end of the world, perhaps it isn't. The person who is openly feeling the hurt more will always see it that way for a while. You know they say that bad things happen to point you in another direction or to show you something you might not otherwise see... well the one hurting, or if they both are, they will think that maybe this "lesson" is for them. But what if the "bad" thing happened not to show or teach them something, but the other person? I know sometimes these things work like kevlar, help you dodge a bullet or two. But sometimes it is just a stumbling block, like when you hit the burn wall while doing crunches and situps or other exercise. You hit that wall and think you can't go anymore, but sometimes the effort to do just one more crunch is all you need to get over the threshold. It may not be the right time for this thing to happen, but it doesn't mean that it won't ever happen.

Slightly off topic, people always think you're jealous when you see the ex and his/her new SO. And you know what, sometimes you are jealous, but not for the reasons people assume. Take me for instance. I see him and her and I get a little twinge of *sigh*. It's not that I want him back, trust me, she has nothing I want. It's more like, imagine after all the drama he put me through, all the ish I had to put up with, he seems to have what I want. A relationship with someone I actually love who loves ME back for who I am. I have no idea about the dynamics of their relationship nor do I care, I suppose it hurts that he can have something like that but I'm being held back from having what I want....

Friday, 14 January 2011

Bred or Wed

Soooooo hello

My cousin and I were having a conversation the other day, talking about age and where we're at (he's older) and he made this statement : "you're where I was a few years ago, all my friends were either bred or wed".

He is very right. I'm soon to be 31 and most everyone in my closest friend circle, either has a child, is thinking about having a child/or pregnant. And along the same line, they're either engaged or married. It seems that there's something in the water, and I'm currently using my Brita filter, because I am not interested in what everyone seems to be drinking. I don't know what's going on. Thankfully I'm in my hermit mode right now, but when I do go out with parents, they're forever twitching and jumpy ready to run home in case baby wakes up and needs water. I'm sorry....didn't you two come out for a night out together? Unless the child has ingested some poison, has slit it's wrists, had a heart attack or some other serious illness, why exactly do you need to be on tenterhooks rushing home cause baby missed mommy and daddy? I know I have no child, but I would think some "together alone time" is necessary for a healthy relationship to thrive. Being parents doesn't mean that it must become ALL about the mini human you created.

Also, some friends recently got engaged. They've been together forever and I keep hearing people say "well it's about time". Really? About time for what? What is this time frame that you people seem to be following? Please let me know where I find a hard copy and burn it. There is only a "right time" and that time is whenever it's right for the people involved. It may be 2 weeks, or 5 months, or 10 years, or never, but it's not for us outside the relationship to be passing judgment.

Someone close to me just had a mini human, I don't know the circumstances, I just wish them all the best. Someone who used to be close to me recently suffered through a miscarriage. I may sound callous, but sometimes it takes a wrong to make a right. It is quite possible this isn't the "right" time for the couple, it may never be the right time, but I hope they console each other and try to move on.

On another note, when 2 people end a relationship, people outside of that relationship need to move on with their lives. Telling X about Y's new woman or vicey versy love, is not necessary. Find something else to chat bout.

I am quite thankful that I like my own company, or I'd be going crazy with all the loved up babied up couples going out but still being at home.

I am fed up of people asking me why I've yet to "round up the belly". They make a cure for that, it's called ginger tea..but any carbonated beverage will  do...cause they must be talking about having gas. I'm in no way old fashioned, but I'd rather not go into motherhood as a single parent, if it happens to not work out then fine, but seeing that I have no wanted sperm donor at my side, I'll pass on the rounding up of the belly. I always tell people.....maybe I should have mentioned it to him sooner......that there is only one man who I would ever willingly have a C Section for...I'm sorry a 6-jah alone knows how many lbs mini human forcing its way out of my vajayjay is not an experience that has me thinking "aaaaaaaaa the heavens have shone down on me".
Thing is, I don't think that person will ever be donating sperm to me... things are not looking too good on that road, so guess what...*drumroll* I will probably never have a mini me. I'm ok with that. So please stop asking me or you will be on the recieving end of some not so nice language.

In the words of Uncle from the old Jackie Chan cartoon... "one more tiiiing" I hate these rainy days, because rain makes me crave that kind of company. The sad thing is, I only want specific company. I get offered company all the time, but I've been there and done that and designed the t-shirt. While that kind of company would be loooovely (it would be great exercise) I don't want that in my life anymore. I am very ready to be settled down with one man. What that one man and I decide to do "that" sort of company wise, is our business. But that's what I want, and I'm not willing to settle for less....unless Jon B wanna hollaa....*hey boo..saaang to me*. So I am quite aware that I may end up alone with a toy dog..poodle or chihuahua or whatever in my handbag, being called crazy by all around me, but I'm ok with that. I'm not so ok with the cobwebs and rust on my vajayjay, but thems the breaks sometimes.

So you there...yep you, the one I wanna be my babydaddy...bring your A game and A sperm in the next 5 years let's do the damn thing. Or it's into retirement for you miss vajayjay.

Monday, 10 January 2011


hello all. yes i'm alive..... barely

well be back on track soon. trying to sort out some things in my mind. lost love, unrequited love, and it's kinda hard to sort out when i'm not being told anything.

so be back in a few.

good vibes all