Friday, 17 December 2010

Ghosts

It's been forever since I wrote a poem...but I woke up this morning with words in my head, so I grabbed a book and let my pen do some walking...comments will be appreciated..or not


ghosts
ghosts usually reside in my head
the ghost of a lover's touch
that washes over me, makes me
feel warm and lifts me
the ghost of a lover's kiss, on my neck
on my forehead, on my ...lips
hands on my ..hips
but your ghosts are all over this place
in the shower
trying to wash the love off, so sunday lunch
won't consist of wheres and whos
at the fridge, water to head, quenching
another thirst after the first
in the hammock at peace, eyes closed
trying not to fall asleep, so as to leave
before mommy comes home
in my bed fast asleep, like an angel
like a dream, was it ever.... real?
ghosts usually reside in my head
they don't walk past and brush against
me in the hallway, and hold me tight
no words, at the door
they don't get mad and leave only to
return 5, 10 , 15 minutes later, telling
me to open the door and let them in
they don't drive into my yard, or open
my gate, not that gate anyway
pick fruit from my trees and demand
things of me, but that i wallow
in memories of the times gone past
good times, great times, when there was
happy in me, around me, you loved me
ghosts usually live in my head
they don't come out of my pen
and live on my pages
but this ghost is different
this ghost exists
this ghost doesn't speak
this ghost doesn't reply to emails
or texts
this ghosts doesn't answer questions
or visit, this ghost really may not
exist......never existed
this ghost is a living breathing man
of flesh and bones, a good man
with credentials, intelligence,good
looks, no jail record, a ...job
this ghost of a man will talk to
anyone no matter their status
hmm...this ghost of a man might
actually be a ghost
a ghost from my head alive now on
my pages, alive every time i put
pen to paper, or fingertips to keyboard
ghosts usually live in my head
until i open my heart enough to
love them
then they exist only in the
white noise of my radio, the
static on my screen, the inter
in my ...net
ghosts usually reside in my head
but are alive and well in this
waking dream....nightmare...where
i now live


Thursday, 16 December 2010

December

I am not a "christmassy" person. I say this and I get called a scrooge or a grinch. I do not dampen anyone's joy, I do not try to convert anyone to my ways,  if I had a child in my life.....mine or a step child....I would definitely put on the la di dah show for him/her/them. However I do not, so no need. I don't even have a tree, much less lights and baubles. Well the US Embassy did send me a tree ornament in the shape of the US Seal. Yes rather interesting.

December hasn't been a wonderful time for me for years. Bad/difficult/painful things for some reason always seem to happen in my life in this month.

My maternal grandmother lost a battle with cervical cancer on the 15th, hmm that's today isn't it. Mind you I cannot remember her I was only 1.
My paternal grandmother who was my 2nd mother, lost her battle with melanoma when I was 6. I remember everything all too well. I remember the graveside and walking in the procession, I remember bawling my tiny eyes out at the funeral, I remember wanting to stay with her on christmas day, but my mother wouldn't let me, granny died in her sleep (hopefully) sometime between christmas and boxing day.
The break up of a relationship with the one man I have ever truly loved, started in December, it never officially happened until early January, but seeds were already sewn(is it sown?).
So I'm sorry if I'm not interested in celebrating the written in a book "birth of christ", excuse me for not being overly excited about santa and a lights and presents. I have no issue with you getting excited, and I actually quite love to see a lit up tree and christmas store windows...but for nearly 10 years all I've ever asked for is one gift and i have yet to receive it. maybe there really is a first wife curse....

Anyway so December can come and go, because every year brings about another bend over and take it in the ass, with no lubrication from a mandingo.

for the rest of you in happy happy joy to the world mode. bless, enjoy the season, but stop trying to make me one of santa's happy little elves cause believe me if they exist and have to be doing slave labour, can't really see them being overly happy right about now.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

smoke and mirrors

We very recently held general elections in my little island. One party was more interested in that transformer known as "smokescreen" rather than facts and issues. I'm not here to talk about elections though, the right party won and we can breathe a little easier. I am thoroughly ashamed of 47% of our people however.

So the party used smoke and mirrors, you know harping on one issue "we don't like him, come don't like him with us". I find it interesting when art imitates life or is it the other way around. Because right now I'm faced with a smokey mirror. I hardly hear anything, but when I do, it's the same issue over and over....

yes, we have established that I did indeed call you dishonest. Because in my humble eyes, withholding a truth that would have a great impact on the lives of all involved is the same as a lie. but it has been established. what i'm not hearing is a simple response to the simple questions i asked. i don't see why they are difficult to answer. the answers might be difficult, they may cause pain, they may bring about anger and hurt and even shame. the answers might not be able to change the situation at hand, but they could put a mind at ease. they could ease some tension. they may not change the situation but they may shed some much needed light on it.

for any Harry Potter fan, at the present i feel as though someone used a deluminator on me.

the light has been taken with no reason no explanation just silence.

smokey mirror. you say i'm dishonest, you think i'm a liar. but no, i didn't lie, i wasn't dishonest...because....

maybe you wanted to have a few months in a bubble, a few months of respite, a few months without it being about the situation...selfish yes, but understandable....

no contact, no conversation, just a brick wall of silence, and that hurts. whether it's a humanitarian act, a clean break will be best for all the wounded, or i can't look you in the eye because i'm ashamed of myself, or i've been dishonest for too many years to mention and if i'm honest now my fear is i will lose you forever....something anything said would be better than silence.


but smokey mirrors.

it feels like you want me to give up but won't tell me to give up. you say i always walk away, but generally i give you an overly honest reason. this is the worst situation we have been in, and on my side it has nothing to do with...you know...it has to do with the withholding.

i will try to make this the last post on this, but seeing that i use this to breathe at times, i can't promise it.

so no, i won't walk away, and i will be here if ever you feel the need to wipe the smoke off the mirror ..i hold no malice, i have no opinions, i just wonder...but seeing that i sent that message and got no reply only to find out later and once again at the hands of the same bearer of information that the last part of the message would never be happening...lol....what i wonder about is tainted like my index finger.

did you feel anything everytime you had to drive past my gap?......


on another note, thank you for the other thing, much appreciated. ps: it's not another way to stalk, it was something my mother brought to my attention, and a change of location is very needed, plus it's a big place, and it's not like i'm itching to see the unit.



peace and blessing one and all, happy holidays and hope the new year brings you all much love, happiness and prosperity....(in case you guys don't hear from me in the coming weeks)