Saturday, 4 December 2010

i miss



they say things are difficult to show you what you have and how much it's worth....even when it seems hopeless? am i stupid to remain hopeful?

Thursday, 2 December 2010

....stupid and incapacitating somethings....

I've come to realise that everytime I have something important to get through, some dumb but incapacitating something happens. Now I know there's some bible basher tingling right now, ready to run up on me with the staple "God is testing you, but he'll never give you more than you can bear" or "that's the devil showing himself kneel and pray to God to get you through". STFU. I'm not about to be having that conversation, you don't know either of them so don't tell me what they will and will not be doing. Sometimes stupid and incapacitating somethings just happen, and sometimes it could be that you were Hitler in a past life.

Example . In the middle of finals, I open an email from someone I know, and lo an behold, up pops a picture of a friend with half his head gone, minutes after a motor vehicular accident. I mean WTF? Who sends that mess around? So next thing I know, I'm sitting in the bathtub in an upright fetal position crying silent tears. So thanks dumb person, that's why you're no longer on my mailing list.

This dumb but incapacitating event however, isn't going to be solved by deleting all digital contact. For me to be okay I'm going to need the expertise of someone(s) who have and know how to properly use mind erase of time travel technology. What I mean my friends, is that for me to be ok, I'd have to never have met the person who is at this moment causing me the most excruciating grief my heart has ever had to face.

Do any of you have someone in your life, or have you ever had someone in your life, who chooses what questions to answer? Ok we all choose but they skirt around questions that you need answered, with the fluidity of a snake on the hunt? Let's try this another way.

You: how are you?
Them: I'm not bad, could be better.
Good right? Plain talk, straightforward question, straightforward answer.
You: So did you have a relationship with X, casual sex, serious, whatever?
Them: (after years of skirting) No, I never slept with X. (slept with could mean actual sleep, the question isn't really answered, but you take it at face value because you have decided to be trusting for whatever reason).
Interesting right?
You: (after getting some true and painful news, for whatever reason) The reports are that you told Z(Z in this case is someone your person is rumored to also have slept with) it was a one night stand (you know it wasn't, you seemingly know more than Z, but apparently not as much as you should, nor do you know what the relationship with Z actually is)
Them: The rumors will always have the same credence as anything else I say.

This is not an answer, this is a way around answering. Right here, you feel like a distrusting bitch/bastard with no sensitivity to their feelings, and right there, the proverbial script is flipped. Are you guys keeping up?

When you encounter one of these people, it's easy to believe one of two things depending on your relationship (or what you think/have been made to feel is the relationship). 1, that this person is a perpetual liar, or 2. gosh you're a callous person, you need to stop being so overly sensitive and just believe them. You'll want to believe because perhaps, you're madly and deeply in love, you think you've invested too much time, or you don't want to admit that you were a blind ass. perhaps a combination of the three. Actually, you might  know that you should walk away because your "overthinking" and gut are telling you what you already should know, that this person is selfish and is more interested in themselves than your fragile emotions....but for some reason you so want to believe that this person you love has some redeeming qualities, you want to believe that you didn't fall in love with a self serving bastard/bitch, and you want to believe that they love you and people are just mean spirited and talk about stuff that they don't know and things spread like Chinese whispers.

Word of advice, the truth is always the best option, even if it's going to lose you a lover, beating around the bush with answers is not a good idea, because sooner or later the truth will come out. And honestly, if you don't just answer the questions when asked (whether or not you feel it necessary) what's going to happen, is that when the rumors (if they are indeed rumors) start spreading it is going to be really easy for that person who asked you the questions you wouldn't answer, for the person who loved you blindly, the person who was always fighting in your corner no matter what was said, to gather seeds of doubt that can quickly grow into a bouquet of distrust, resentment, and pain. And when it gets to that point, it's not best to apologize for the way a situation came to light, in a way that puts the blame on someone else, when all could have been avoided if the truth was told in the first place. When it gets to that point, all the person pretty much wants is a heartfelt and real apology about the fact that you lied, for you to take responsibility and to see how the relationship can move on, if there is any room for that.

Last thing, if after all that, you know that you have a person hanging on for reasons like sex, or esteem, ego, somewhere to sleep,someone to feed you, emotionally, physically, mentally, and you're not actually in a very awkward situation and really do love the person, then you have to man/woman up, and open your mouth and tell them the truth when you see that they're hurting, even if you don't care that they're hurting. Take it as your humanitarian contribution to the world. If you're in an awkward situation they need to know too, because in that case they need to be the one to ultimately make the decision to "give up their dreams because of you" or to wait in the wings for x amount of infinity.

that's my 2 cents for the time..... "reason's i hate december" coming soon to a blog near you

I'll Forgive You....Bobby Valentino

This song is speaking to me right now. i'm not sure how..seems impossible..reasonable people wouldn't bother...time after do you let go of the one person you can't live without?...even if they probably don't love you back......are keepsakes just trophies?

I might as well admit it
That I still miss you
I know what I said but it's
Kind of hard for me
And it's hurting me
This is bigger than pride
And I wanna give it another try
I'm still torn in two
But love made me make this decision so

I'll forgive you
But you really hurt me
My heart wants to try us again
I know you're only human
But you almost destroyed me

Our love was worth it...(to me anyway)
Still I need a little more time.
[Verse 2]
I hope you learned a lesson
Bout hurting the ones you really love
Cause I was a soldier for you
Would have done anything to prove it to you
Maybe we can get on track
Rekindle the love and bring it back
Cause there's nobody else for me
My heart just wants to say this to you

[Chorus x2]
I'll forgive you
But you really hurt me
My heart wants to try us again
I know your only human
But you almost destroyed me
Our love was worth it
Still I need a little more time

I got to figure this out
We need a new start
No more deceitful lies
If someone told me we would be apart
I would say you're foolish
Cause God brought you to me

[Chorus x2]
I'll forgive you
But you really hurt me
My heart wants to try us again
I know your only human
But you almost destroyed me
Our love was worth it
Still I need a little more time

Wednesday, 1 December 2010


Someone once told me that I'm my own worst enemy. I didn't take it seriously coming from a well known and self proclaimed "man whore". He meant that when it comes to relationships, I have a tendency to never believe the man could feel the same way I do, with the same level of intensity, meaning and honesty. You can see how I would be skeptical to take man whore's word for it.
However recent events coming to light, are proving that man whore might actually be right. Not in the way he was trying to be though, just that I might just be my own worst enemy.

Do any of you have someone in your life. You know the type that you just somehow can't seem to let go for reasons unbeknown to yourself. Maybe you think you've got too much time vested, or it's a first love, you don't think anyone could give you the same intense butterflies, you'd rather not venture out and end up raped, diseased, wondering where his man parts are cause he proclaimed to be a grower but neither showing nor growing is happening.
I have one of those. It's like some strange gravitational pull. We could walk away from each other and years later it will only take one sighting to bring up all the feelings I thought I buried. Thing is, I know this man is no good for me. He can't seem to keep his very lovely man part to himself. From reports near and far, there are at least 3 other women in his life....that I've heard of....who knows how many more exist. I can't get a straight answer, haven't been able to for years, and the one time I did get one, I now question the validity of, because trust has just been pretty much obliterated.
But history has a propensity for repeating itself with vim and vigor. Arguments, and a child and women and hurt feeling, broken heart, puffy eyes from crying, somehow cannot cause a strong enough barrier to stop contact for more than...I think the longest was a year.

isn't there some pill i can take for this condition?

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

i've lost count

....of how many times you've broken my heart.

yet i still love you

*dies inside*