Friday, 17 December 2010

Ghosts

It's been forever since I wrote a poem...but I woke up this morning with words in my head, so I grabbed a book and let my pen do some walking...comments will be appreciated..or not


ghosts
ghosts usually reside in my head
the ghost of a lover's touch
that washes over me, makes me
feel warm and lifts me
the ghost of a lover's kiss, on my neck
on my forehead, on my ...lips
hands on my ..hips
but your ghosts are all over this place
in the shower
trying to wash the love off, so sunday lunch
won't consist of wheres and whos
at the fridge, water to head, quenching
another thirst after the first
in the hammock at peace, eyes closed
trying not to fall asleep, so as to leave
before mommy comes home
in my bed fast asleep, like an angel
like a dream, was it ever.... real?
ghosts usually reside in my head
they don't walk past and brush against
me in the hallway, and hold me tight
no words, at the door
they don't get mad and leave only to
return 5, 10 , 15 minutes later, telling
me to open the door and let them in
they don't drive into my yard, or open
my gate, not that gate anyway
pick fruit from my trees and demand
things of me, but that i wallow
in memories of the times gone past
good times, great times, when there was
happy in me, around me, you loved me
ghosts usually live in my head
they don't come out of my pen
and live on my pages
but this ghost is different
this ghost exists
this ghost doesn't speak
this ghost doesn't reply to emails
or texts
this ghosts doesn't answer questions
or visit, this ghost really may not
exist......never existed
this ghost is a living breathing man
of flesh and bones, a good man
with credentials, intelligence,good
looks, no jail record, a ...job
this ghost of a man will talk to
anyone no matter their status
hmm...this ghost of a man might
actually be a ghost
a ghost from my head alive now on
my pages, alive every time i put
pen to paper, or fingertips to keyboard
ghosts usually live in my head
until i open my heart enough to
love them
then they exist only in the
white noise of my radio, the
static on my screen, the inter
in my ...net
ghosts usually reside in my head
but are alive and well in this
waking dream....nightmare...where
i now live


Thursday, 16 December 2010

December

I am not a "christmassy" person. I say this and I get called a scrooge or a grinch. I do not dampen anyone's joy, I do not try to convert anyone to my ways,  if I had a child in my life.....mine or a step child....I would definitely put on the la di dah show for him/her/them. However I do not, so no need. I don't even have a tree, much less lights and baubles. Well the US Embassy did send me a tree ornament in the shape of the US Seal. Yes rather interesting.

December hasn't been a wonderful time for me for years. Bad/difficult/painful things for some reason always seem to happen in my life in this month.

My maternal grandmother lost a battle with cervical cancer on the 15th, hmm that's today isn't it. Mind you I cannot remember her I was only 1.
My paternal grandmother who was my 2nd mother, lost her battle with melanoma when I was 6. I remember everything all too well. I remember the graveside and walking in the procession, I remember bawling my tiny eyes out at the funeral, I remember wanting to stay with her on christmas day, but my mother wouldn't let me, granny died in her sleep (hopefully) sometime between christmas and boxing day.
The break up of a relationship with the one man I have ever truly loved, started in December, it never officially happened until early January, but seeds were already sewn(is it sown?).
So I'm sorry if I'm not interested in celebrating the written in a book "birth of christ", excuse me for not being overly excited about santa and a lights and presents. I have no issue with you getting excited, and I actually quite love to see a lit up tree and christmas store windows...but for nearly 10 years all I've ever asked for is one gift and i have yet to receive it. maybe there really is a first wife curse....

Anyway so December can come and go, because every year brings about another bend over and take it in the ass, with no lubrication from a mandingo.

for the rest of you in happy happy joy to the world mode. bless, enjoy the season, but stop trying to make me one of santa's happy little elves cause believe me if they exist and have to be doing slave labour, can't really see them being overly happy right about now.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

smoke and mirrors

We very recently held general elections in my little island. One party was more interested in that transformer known as "smokescreen" rather than facts and issues. I'm not here to talk about elections though, the right party won and we can breathe a little easier. I am thoroughly ashamed of 47% of our people however.

So the party used smoke and mirrors, you know harping on one issue "we don't like him, come don't like him with us". I find it interesting when art imitates life or is it the other way around. Because right now I'm faced with a smokey mirror. I hardly hear anything, but when I do, it's the same issue over and over....

yes, we have established that I did indeed call you dishonest. Because in my humble eyes, withholding a truth that would have a great impact on the lives of all involved is the same as a lie. but it has been established. what i'm not hearing is a simple response to the simple questions i asked. i don't see why they are difficult to answer. the answers might be difficult, they may cause pain, they may bring about anger and hurt and even shame. the answers might not be able to change the situation at hand, but they could put a mind at ease. they could ease some tension. they may not change the situation but they may shed some much needed light on it.

for any Harry Potter fan, at the present i feel as though someone used a deluminator on me.

the light has been taken with no reason no explanation just silence.

smokey mirror. you say i'm dishonest, you think i'm a liar. but no, i didn't lie, i wasn't dishonest...because....

maybe you wanted to have a few months in a bubble, a few months of respite, a few months without it being about the situation...selfish yes, but understandable....

no contact, no conversation, just a brick wall of silence, and that hurts. whether it's a humanitarian act, a clean break will be best for all the wounded, or i can't look you in the eye because i'm ashamed of myself, or i've been dishonest for too many years to mention and if i'm honest now my fear is i will lose you forever....something anything said would be better than silence.


but smokey mirrors.

it feels like you want me to give up but won't tell me to give up. you say i always walk away, but generally i give you an overly honest reason. this is the worst situation we have been in, and on my side it has nothing to do with...you know...it has to do with the withholding.

i will try to make this the last post on this, but seeing that i use this to breathe at times, i can't promise it.

so no, i won't walk away, and i will be here if ever you feel the need to wipe the smoke off the mirror ..i hold no malice, i have no opinions, i just wonder...but seeing that i sent that message and got no reply only to find out later and once again at the hands of the same bearer of information that the last part of the message would never be happening...lol....what i wonder about is tainted like my index finger.

did you feel anything everytime you had to drive past my gap?......


on another note, thank you for the other thing, much appreciated. ps: it's not another way to stalk, it was something my mother brought to my attention, and a change of location is very needed, plus it's a big place, and it's not like i'm itching to see the unit.



peace and blessing one and all, happy holidays and hope the new year brings you all much love, happiness and prosperity....(in case you guys don't hear from me in the coming weeks)

Monday, 6 December 2010

i thought i was alright

once again i was wrong.

wondering if the addition is here

know i was wrong for some of what i said....is it wrong that i still need answers to those questions though?

can't bring myself to sleep on that side of the bed, as though leaving it open will change anything....

this sucks...i'm thinking maybe a bit for you too....but i dunno, you're not talking

Saturday, 4 December 2010

i miss

us

:(

they say things are difficult to show you what you have and how much it's worth....even when it seems hopeless?....so am i stupid to remain hopeful?

Thursday, 2 December 2010

....stupid and incapacitating somethings....

I've come to realise that everytime I have something important to get through, some dumb but incapacitating something happens. Now I know there's some bible basher tingling right now, ready to run up on me with the staple "God is testing you, but he'll never give you more than you can bear" or "that's the devil showing himself kneel and pray to God to get you through". STFU. I'm not about to be having that conversation, you don't know either of them so don't tell me what they will and will not be doing. Sometimes stupid and incapacitating somethings just happen, and sometimes it could be that you were Hitler in a past life.

Example . In the middle of finals, I open an email from someone I know, and lo an behold, up pops a picture of a friend with half his head gone, minutes after a motor vehicular accident. I mean WTF? Who sends that mess around? So next thing I know, I'm sitting in the bathtub in an upright fetal position crying silent tears. So thanks dumb person, that's why you're no longer on my mailing list.


This dumb but incapacitating event however, isn't going to be solved by deleting all digital contact. For me to be okay I'm going to need the expertise of someone(s) who have and know how to properly use mind erase of time travel technology. What I mean my friends, is that for me to be ok, I'd have to never have met the person who is at this moment causing me the most excruciating grief my heart has ever had to face.


Do any of you have someone in your life, or have you ever had someone in your life, who chooses what questions to answer? Ok we all choose but they skirt around questions that you need answered, with the fluidity of a snake on the hunt? Let's try this another way.

You: how are you?
Them: I'm not bad, could be better.
Good right? Plain talk, straightforward question, straightforward answer.
You: So did you have a relationship with X, casual sex, serious, whatever?
Them: (after years of skirting) No, I never slept with X. (slept with could mean actual sleep, the question isn't really answered, but you take it at face value because you have decided to be trusting for whatever reason).
Interesting right?
You: (after getting some true and painful news, for whatever reason) The reports are that you told Z(Z in this case is someone your person is rumored to also have slept with) it was a one night stand (you know it wasn't, you seemingly know more than Z, but apparently not as much as you should, nor do you know what the relationship with Z actually is)
Them: The rumors will always have the same credence as anything else I say.

This is not an answer, this is a way around answering. Right here, you feel like a distrusting bitch/bastard with no sensitivity to their feelings, and right there, the proverbial script is flipped. Are you guys keeping up?

When you encounter one of these people, it's easy to believe one of two things depending on your relationship (or what you think/have been made to feel is the relationship). 1, that this person is a perpetual liar, or 2. gosh you're a callous person, you need to stop being so overly sensitive and just believe them. You'll want to believe because perhaps, you're madly and deeply in love, you think you've invested too much time, or you don't want to admit that you were a blind ass. perhaps a combination of the three. Actually, you might  know that you should walk away because your "overthinking" and gut are telling you what you already should know, that this person is selfish and is more interested in themselves than your fragile emotions....but for some reason you so want to believe that this person you love has some redeeming qualities, you want to believe that you didn't fall in love with a self serving bastard/bitch, and you want to believe that they love you and people are just mean spirited and talk about stuff that they don't know and things spread like Chinese whispers.


Word of advice, the truth is always the best option, even if it's going to lose you a lover, beating around the bush with answers is not a good idea, because sooner or later the truth will come out. And honestly, if you don't just answer the questions when asked (whether or not you feel it necessary) what's going to happen, is that when the rumors (if they are indeed rumors) start spreading it is going to be really easy for that person who asked you the questions you wouldn't answer, for the person who loved you blindly, the person who was always fighting in your corner no matter what was said, to gather seeds of doubt that can quickly grow into a bouquet of distrust, resentment, and pain. And when it gets to that point, it's not best to apologize for the way a situation came to light, in a way that puts the blame on someone else, when all could have been avoided if the truth was told in the first place. When it gets to that point, all the person pretty much wants is a heartfelt and real apology about the fact that you lied, for you to take responsibility and to see how the relationship can move on, if there is any room for that.

Last thing, if after all that, you know that you have a person hanging on for reasons like sex, or esteem, ego, somewhere to sleep,someone to feed you, emotionally, physically, mentally, and you're not actually in a very awkward situation and really do love the person, then you have to man/woman up, and open your mouth and tell them the truth when you see that they're hurting, even if you don't care that they're hurting. Take it as your humanitarian contribution to the world. If you're in an awkward situation they need to know too, because in that case they need to be the one to ultimately make the decision to "give up their dreams because of you" or to wait in the wings for x amount of infinity.

that's my 2 cents for the time..... "reason's i hate december" coming soon to a blog near you

I'll Forgive You....Bobby Valentino

This song is speaking to me right now. i'm not sure how..seems impossible..reasonable people wouldn't bother...time after time....but....how do you let go of the one person you can't live without?...even if they probably don't love you back......are keepsakes just trophies?

I might as well admit it
That I still miss you
I know what I said but it's
Kind of hard for me
And it's hurting me
This is bigger than pride
And I wanna give it another try
I'm still torn in two
But love made me make this decision so

[Chorus]
I'll forgive you
But you really hurt me
My heart wants to try us again
I know you're only human
But you almost destroyed me

Our love was worth it...(to me anyway)
Still I need a little more time.
 
[Verse 2]
I hope you learned a lesson
Bout hurting the ones you really love
Cause I was a soldier for you
Would have done anything to prove it to you
Maybe we can get on track
Rekindle the love and bring it back
Cause there's nobody else for me
My heart just wants to say this to you

[Chorus x2]
I'll forgive you
But you really hurt me
My heart wants to try us again
I know your only human
But you almost destroyed me
Our love was worth it
Still I need a little more time

[Hook]
I got to figure this out
We need a new start
No more deceitful lies
If someone told me we would be apart
I would say you're foolish
Cause God brought you to me

[Chorus x2]
I'll forgive you
But you really hurt me
My heart wants to try us again
I know your only human
But you almost destroyed me
Our love was worth it
Still I need a little more time

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

*sigh*

Someone once told me that I'm my own worst enemy. I didn't take it seriously coming from a well known and self proclaimed "man whore". He meant that when it comes to relationships, I have a tendency to never believe the man could feel the same way I do, with the same level of intensity, meaning and honesty. You can see how I would be skeptical to take man whore's word for it.
However recent events coming to light, are proving that man whore might actually be right. Not in the way he was trying to be though, just that I might just be my own worst enemy.


Do any of you have someone in your life. You know the type that you just somehow can't seem to let go for reasons unbeknown to yourself. Maybe you think you've got too much time vested, or it's a first love, you don't think anyone could give you the same intense butterflies, you'd rather not venture out and end up raped, diseased, wondering where his man parts are cause he proclaimed to be a grower but neither showing nor growing is happening.
I have one of those. It's like some strange gravitational pull. We could walk away from each other and years later it will only take one sighting to bring up all the feelings I thought I buried. Thing is, I know this man is no good for me. He can't seem to keep his very lovely man part to himself. From reports near and far, there are at least 3 other women in his life....that I've heard of....who knows how many more exist. I can't get a straight answer, haven't been able to for years, and the one time I did get one, I now question the validity of, because trust has just been pretty much obliterated.
But history has a propensity for repeating itself with vim and vigor. Arguments, and a child and women and hurt feeling, broken heart, puffy eyes from crying, somehow cannot cause a strong enough barrier to stop contact for more than...I think the longest was a year.

isn't there some pill i can take for this condition?

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

i've lost count

....of how many times you've broken my heart.

yet i still love you


*dies inside*

Saturday, 27 November 2010

excerpts

So I'm thinking about the first night we met....
I'd been watching him for a couple days, but never had an opportunity. There I was, sitting at that table out under the stars with my cousin, and HE walked in. though he'd been friendly before (even hugging me hello on one occasion) he was so cool that night. He nodded at me, can you believe that!? I swear to God I was more hurt than I expected. I mean, when he walked in I was basically floating, levitating if you like, and then ...dum da da dum..the nod! man, I dropped so hard I nearly got stuck in the ditch I made on impact. You think I couldn't be any more embarrassed? You'd be wrong. He did come over..finally, because his daddy brought him and introduced us. My whole face went as red as that time I got the bitching sunburn. *big sigh* I was 21, and needed a man's father to fix me up, yep I was doing really well for myself.

I remember looking up at him and commenting on our mutual shame. Then he smiled at me, and man oh man, that was it. Your girl was done, I mean you didn't have to stick a fork in me, it was time to put this cake to cool. That smile!!!!!!!!!! it was like lightning flashed, the electricity between us was pretty obvious.

He sat on a stool higher than my chair, making me have to look up at him, he even declined my invitation to sit with me when a chair became available. I later learned (he admitted) this was because he was enjoying the view down the back of my pants. You know how it is ladies, big ass, little waist, leaves a gap when you sit because you need to buy a size up to fit the hips. He loves my ass almost as much as I hate it. I hate my ass almost as much as I love him. I hate my black girl booty, the ethnicities (is that even a word) didn't really mix well. Kinda like a bar drink in layers, neither shaken nor stirred.

Anyway, back to that night. We talked about anything, everything and every other thing in between. then he said he had to leave. Then he asked if I'd still be there when he got back. that night had more ups and down than a rollercoaster at an amusement park.
Then he left me.... story of our life...


tbc.................

Friday, 26 November 2010

green eye(shadowed) monster??

I'm female, but I sometimes cannot understand my sister womenfolk. I had an encounter with my ex man's new chick recently. Honestly I do not know how this chick looks, I mean I know now, but unless she's wearing bright green eyeshadow again, I doubt I'll recognise her, because neither of them are of any importance to my life.

I went into a store to get something and approached 2 young ladies behind a counter, to ask about said item, they said they had it and one came out to walk to the the aisle I needed to be in, the other just keep looking at me. Now with the way females have been getting bolder in their game, I wasn't sure if she was eyeing me up or giving me the once over, either way I wasn't interested. So I go with the other girl and locate the item, while we're walking I hear a loud speaker spewing political mumbo jumbo and turn to the door to see which party it was repping, the bright green eyeshadow is staring at me.....now I'm like WTF?? anyway, another woman comes to get one and we all get into animated chatter about why we need it and when they were going to get the actual thing in the size we needed (get your dirty minds out of the gutter). I take it though not adequate in size and go to a checkout, again chatting with the person at the register and then I leave.

A couple steps out the door and it hit me, that a friend had said that the new chick worked in that store, and someone had once shown me her picture (why I have no clue) and with her colouring and hairstyle it then dawned on me...*lightbulb*. I know that she knows how I look, because we've all been at the same event before, and he's the type to feel the need to point me out to her.

Something wrong with me for not being bothered about things like this? This is kinda why I'm writing this. I mean this is normal? You have a man, what's the reason for staring at the ex? Why are you bothered? You feel threatened, inadequate...? Unless the ex is all up on your man every time she has a chance or is spreading some propaganda and trying to start some drama, then she means nothing to you and yours. Move on and enjoy your life. (ps, you might want to check your man)

I must be odd, because I do not begrudge anyone happiness, love, their man, success. Sure sometimes it's not easy having to watch my coupled and loved up friends, and there's this one guy whose girl I wish would cease to exist...but I'm not gonna be staring her down like it's gonna do something.

women get a grip, enjoy the time you have with your man, once that's what you want, and ignore the outside distractions that shouldn't even distract you.


i'm just saying....

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Hurricane Tomas....

Let me start out by saying that I'm all for celebrating life. It's just that we as a people tend to put a great value on some really insignificant and frivolous things.

If I'm to compare the  damage in my little island to that of St. Lucia, we could say we fared very well. I don't like to compare, not when I'm looking at my extra fat, and certainly not about who's country more mash up than who's. We didn't actually fare well. Most of the agriculture has be annihilated, many almost if not just about 1% (which may not seem like much, but to every one of those people it's a whole lot) of the population is living (as much as you can call it that) in shelters around the island. There has been severe damage to the infrastructure here. We however are a resilient people and will bounce back....it will however take a lot of rebuilding, replanting and positive vibes and outside aid.

Now in wake of all this damage and in light of the fact that there are still weather systems out there, can someone please explain to me, why this 19 year old (and yes I was that young once.......) is asking me if a postponed party will be rescheduled for this weekend and that they will pray for good weather since they will be on the island and would like to attend. (.....but I was never this shallow). What The Fuck?! I was really irritated and had to literally bite me lip to stop myself from saying something untoward. That to me is as bad as people calling into the radio stations to complain about the fact that they don't have cable restored. Again What The Fuck?! The mere fact that you can call in means your phone is up and running, that you can turn your TV on not only means that you have electricity but that you are in the comfort of your own home. And you want to tell me that you are calling in to complain about not being able to watch some television show, when there are people without water, electricity, or a damn home? My cable is working fine, I know this because the digital box is on, my television however has deserted me, and while I'd love to be watching some show on The food network right now, I'm not complaining, because I'm alive and well and dry, with running water and electricity and food.

Aid will be necessary to rebuild, so to the Trinidadian PM: if your country cannot afford to give aid, money food whatever, fine. Just say. "we cannot afford it" but statements that come across sounding like in order for you to help a sister/brother nation your palms must be greased first, will only serve to alienate other governments and people who you may one day have to rely on to save your ass.



enough of my "soapbox" for the time being. My head still periodically aches from a weekend doing nothing (because I refused to strain my already bad eyes reading by candle light) but residing in my own head over analyzing and over thinking a lot of things.....

bless...

Monday, 4 October 2010

Age

What the hell?!!! Yep that was me yesterday when I saw the silver hair in my head....well at least it wasn't somewhere else right??????right?????
When did this colour change start? I know it's fall, but i thought the leaves were changing colour, not my hair.
I suppose I could get rather upset about this turn of events. You know, pull a Kim Kardashian and start the botox, go dye my hair jet black to the point of it being tinged with that rustish colour....that rustish colour that no one actually means to happen...yes older men,(and a few women) we know you dying it. But I can't panic, I had really good girl days, and my girl days aren't over, even if my hair thinks itself to be my "leaves".
I'm  not saying silver because I can't accept gray, it's just that it's actually silver. It feels different than the other stands too, kind of how the blonde strands running though my hair feel...FAKE....but they're not.

*sigh* bring on the midlife crisis

Thursday, 16 September 2010

travel

I did a lot of traveling in my youth, I mean those days when planes had 7 seats in the middle and 2 on each side, you know the days when there was a smoking and non smoking section. where granny or the hip young thing could bring their knitting needles along in their hand luggage without being full cavity searched for being a threat to  national security...I mean the days when there was one pull down screen and we all watched the same movie, no sexy single serve consoles and video game players in the back of the seat in front of us.
And those days, in my youth, I'm sure I bothered my mother because I was bored, but I always had a puzzle book or a well, book book to occupy my time. Apparently this is not the way of children today..well people in general. So I have realized that while I like traveling I would be more than patient enough to wait for someone to build a transportation type device.

Between the early morning wake ups the packing, the fact that you're a terrorist if you bring a bottle of apple juice in your carry on. *big sigh* and let's not forget the people. Oh my lord, I have to have the worst luck in seats or some bad karma is working it's mojo.

On the way to my destination I had "crazy seeing things lady" I sat at the window and she kept peering over me to see out. Once I leant forwards, and without my semi decent peripheral vision, I'd have sat back on her. if the peeping wasn't bad enough she then asks "is that a ship" "no" I respond, 'it's a cloud" to which she replies 'but what is the black ting? I saw a big black thing". *big sigh* I respond as calmly as possible "that is the cloud's shadow on the water". Why me?

But peeping lady is nothing compared to adhd having child next to me on the return flight. She sits at the window and proceeds to call out to her mother (sitting in the seat behind us in the other row) and ask her to pass her the crazy glue. yes CRAZY GLUE. Are you even supposed to have that in your hand luggage? The child waits until we're in the air to break out her crazy glue and glue fake nails on. So battling fumes I get stuck into a cryptogram. The child is looking over my shoulder so hard her nose is nearly touching the page. I give her a look. She moves back until I suppose she thinks I won't notice her nose once again in my book. Then she gets the brilliant idea to paint her now secured fake nails. *sigh* So these people got crazy glue and nail polish on a plane but I can't bring the apple juice that I'm drinking... WTF. I try the puzzle again and here comes the nose. I don't know about you, but I'm not disciplining anyone's child especially in a damn plane that's miles up in the air. To top it off, the man behind her decides to whip out his laptop and entertain the entire cabin with music. The air hostess had to intervene. By this time instead of air marshals flying out of the bathroom to handcuff me I thought it best to order a stiff drink.



So security please know that I'm not carrying drugs or explosives in my SANDALS, so there will be no need for me to remove them. If I'm actually drinking from a bottle you can see through and the liquid is under the allowed limit even though the bottle can hold more...it's ok, it only poses a threat to my bladder or to the missing of my flight if there's a long line for the bathroom. And maybe you need to build a cage for annoying people who for some reason you have let through security with CRAZY GLUE!

If any baller is out there with a private jet in working condition, holla!

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

sex...you must have it

I have a male friend ( soon to be acquaintance if he doesn't quit acting up) who is forever telling me I need to go get laid. Fine while there might be some truth to that, I am not of the ilk who thinks her lady parts will cease up, stop working and ultimately drop out, if some stiff rod of maleness doesn't enter it every fucking week.

This is what I can't understand. You like apples, but you don't have to eat an apple every day for your mouth to stay in working condition. So why the hell is it that you feel I need to fuck down the place with all and sundry or anything alive and functioning with a penis in order to keep my vagina from rusting shut?

I do not need you to match.com me, I do not need someone to point out eligible men to be. I have working eyes I can see. I also have a brain and free will which both enable me to make choices for myself. So is it a bad thing that while I would like some "exercise", I didn't feel it necessary to stop the reprobate with the small feet who looked like he hadn't had a bath in days, who's grammar was atrocious, and who wasn't the slightest bit attractive (to me), and rape him? STEUPS!!! Some people real fucking retarded! My apologies to anyone who actually for medical reasons (though we don't use that term anymore) falls into this category.

Listen to me eh... because you are a damn man whore..you know, once it has a vagina and breathes it's a feast for days....does not mean I am looking to join you, go recruit someone else who feels the same. If you wanna do that fine, but if you know for a fact that someone else doesn't..why keep trying to push it on them? What are you a missionary in Afrika?

Saturday, 4 September 2010

GOS (Gal pon di Side)

"The gal pon di side juk di best"......"me have me wife inna me yard but me woman outta road ah breed" so many songs seem to glorify the "other woman".

What does it take to be the "other woman" and why does one do it?

I guess there's the obvious scenario, of the chick looking for a sugar daddy, you know her, she doesn't really want to make her own way in life and she's hot why not get "paid" for what she'd be giving up anyway...no she is not a "prossie". I found out that they actually have websites for this sort of arrangement, and the girls will actually specify the amount of "allowance" they expect a month. Interesting.

Then you have the ones who go out of their way to meet this man and make sure they worm their way into his life in whatever way they can. Think that movie "Obsessed" with Beyonce. Once they set their sights on the man, they plan to get him no matter what...these are the ones that may go a little crazy and lie, cheat, steal beat the wife into surrender and move in......seems like a lot of work....Just saying

Then you have the delusional ones who are actually in love. They have this hope bubbling deep down that one day this man will love them too, have this big 'aha' moment and leave "her". Do they think about the fact that if he indeed has his aha moment, one day they might be in the same position they ousted wifey from? This aha moment doesn't often happen, and if it does, it's highly unusual that she will get the happy ever after with him never having another aha moment.....see where i'm coming from here?
Smart women with common sense fall victim to this scenario too, because love is a funny thing, blissful even , just like it's cousin ignorance. and sometimes you love so hard you will be prepared to settle for whatever tidbit is thrown your way.....as long as you keep in mind that you might never get your aha.....you might be ok.


So depending on the category you might find yourself in, it seems to take a lot of different thinks to a matey make, strength, love, crazy, idiocy, naivety, boldfaceness (lol).

I can't claim to know why people get themselves into sticky situations, I just know that sometimes things are more complex than they appear on the surface. Like miss tanya says:
well if him wah stray
him will find a way
no matter how much you move like mange
cause if him leave me alone or me send him back home
and nutten inna you house no change
you know you still a go lose him
 
 
Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to condone the matey way of life, or to put the blame on anyone, not even Akon (and he requested it) and I'm not here to judge one way or the other. you women who have a man, sometimes you gotta check yourselves. I am not of the belief that someone can "steal" your man, he tends to go off willingly (even in a blackmail or threat to the family situation, he goes along willingly with the hope that nothing will  happen...he coulda just said "baby a crazy lady is stalking me" right). What I'm saying, is that just because you're happy and it's all hunky dory for you, sometimes , like when painting, you need to take a step back to actually see how the picture is coming along.

By no means do I think this "pon di side" situation is limited to men. Women creep all the time too..... but that creeper story is for another day.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

closing the account

Question of the day:  Would you leave a social networking site for your SO (significant other)

My answer: UM NOOOO.

This question was posed as Facebook status, and the poster said that he would. His reasoning was that in relationships you have to compromise and also that he flirts on facebook and though it's harmless his SO may not "understand".


Ok, let me get this straight....you're on facebook/myspace/hi5, whatever and you get involved with someone. This someone gets a bit miffed that you "flirt" on whatever site and demands that you close your account. I have a few problems with this whole scenario.
First thing, you were already on the site when the new someone  came into your life, hell they're probably on the site too. Secondly, while I agree with compromise, this isn't a compromise, it's an ultimatum (CONTROL) hidden in a request that they will somehow manage to try to convince you (probably with emotional blackmail)  is the right thing to do. And third...if you or the someone can flirt online, chances are you can flirt everywhere else, so unless you're going to ban the person from having contact with anyone but you, deleting your account doesn't actually make sense.


I will not be giving up my social network for my SO, sorry if that's going to be a problem....until they make my beloved Farmville a stand alone game....any someone I eventually end up with (if ever) will just have to deal with it.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

goon too soon

Today is the 1st birthday after the 1st anniversary of the death of my all time favourite musical genius.... Michael Joseph Jackson.
They always die tragically and young don't they. You may not think of 51 as young, but he was young at heart. How's that? You ever think, the world just can't handle people like him...and that they can't handle the world around them either?
But we had years and a musical and philanthropic legacy to remember him by. I choose not to listen to idle chatterings about why he did whatever to himself and allegations. I wasn't there and money can be a powerful negotiator.
Right now I'm sad, not only because I think of his children and family and millions of fans and people he has touched around the world...but for the seemingly unimportant (as compared to) reason that I cannot find my Invincible CD. I opened the case to find nothing, not even an IOU. :( I had the urge to listen to "Butterflies" today. I'm now being made to listen via Youtube.... *sigh*

When going through his discography, I always find a song I love but have forgotten about, Right now I'm on the early classics with the J5. I'm on "Good Thing Going", mind you the Sugar Minott cover will always be a classic in it's own right, but I'm on a MJ vibe today.
"Understanding With never handing any alibis
Instead of what you do
Where you been or what's the use
We're making nice"
Just makes me think of a certain someone.  People, Imma say again how important it is to find someone you can be yourself with. If you find yourself making up stuff because what you say or feel 'won't sound right' to them....drop them like a hot potato. Then go out and get your own "My Little baby"

Michael made music for everyone. I can't see anyone not at least liking one track of his vast collection. The one song that makes me smile the most (not my favourite by far) is "With A Child's Heart" because I truly believe that this is the way he lived his life. Maybe more of us need to.


Anyway MJJ I love and miss you. I spent many a happy moment and will hopefully spend many more singing along (very badly I might add) to your music. When I have been very down in the past, there was always one of your songs there to comfort me and lift my spirits. I only hope the generations to come will come to love and respect your music and your imprint on the world. I value all the time I have spent with some members of your family, and from spending time and getting to know some of them, I can only imagine how bittersweet today is for them.

And for the rest of us. remember this:
Maybe you and I can't do great things
We may not change the world in one day
But we still can change some things today...
In our small way

Empty words are not enough
Where there's hurt we'll be a crutch
When there's thirst we'll fill each other's cup
Because we care we love enough to share

[Refrain]
Maybe you and I can't do great things
We may not change the world in one day
But we still can change some things today...
In our small way

In despair we'll be the hope
And the prayer that frees the soul
We'll be there to share each lonely road
Because we love, I know
We care enough

[Refrain]
Maybe you and I can't do great things
We may not change the world in one day
But we still can change some things today...
In our small way

Just a little time is all it takes
What a difference just a smile can make, you'll see
Love is all we need

[Refrain]
Maybe you and I can't do great things
We may not change the world in one day
But we still can change some things today...
In our small way


Friday, 27 August 2010

a "good" man

Facebook is going to be my bread and butter for this blog!

So my FB friend had up a status that reads "Today’s PSA - When a good man wants you take HIM , Don’t brush him off hoping to get a better man , because he might be the last one".  Hmmmmmm

So I ask, what  exactly is wrong with being alone, and i get the response "i have 2 words, "old maid".

REALLY!

This kind of archaic thinking is rather irritating. I mean you don't usually see a woman saying ...hey dude, you better take that good woman cause she may be the last one and you don't want to end up an old butler... (unless your friend's last name is Butler and you want them to live to a ripe old age).

What madness is this really. So women must take this "good man" on offer....like because someone considers him a good man it means we all will, or that he actually is one...otherwise we might just brush him off and end up alone with a couple cats (not of the lesbian variety). Because why? I think this is actually one of the major reasons that people end up in a stagnant unhappy marriage, where they end up cheating or doing whatever for excitement, to dull the depression of being stuck with someone who isn't right for them. We gotta stop getting hung up on the "good man" thing. As far as I'm concerned, there isn't a "good man/mr right" just a man who is right for you.

Anyway back to the double standard statement. Apparently if you don't have a man you have failed as a woman, much worse as a human. People, seriously? You need to be happy in your own company before you can be happy in someone else's. So if you need to latch on to this "good man" because you live in fear of having to entertain yourself....you're not actually ready for him.

Guess what? He may not be the last one, and just because he's considered good, doesn't mean he's the right man for you. You ever thought that maybe just maybe you may not be meant to be Mrs somethingortheother? It's not all mapped out in stone that we all have to be "together". Hell people are always going on about the "lifelong bachelor" George Clooney, and are all gushing about it. But a woman can't be a lifelong bachelorette?

I'm not saying that you need to be alone, or not be receptive to a relationship, but for fuck's sake you don't have to take the first open spot in the parking lot because the mall is full and you're worried you may not find another space. Hell if you take the time to perhaps drive around once more, you might just find the perfect spot that you hadn't actually noticed was there for you before.

I'm just saying....

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

The "Whooty"

A friend of mine recently posted a picture on his facebook page, of a "whooty", you know a white (girl with a) booty, with the caption "where do they grow these". This picture sparked a huge debate.

I think I was the first to comment, something along the lines that all that is growing is a sale in silicone. After me, there were numerous mentions of maybe she does squats and goes to the gym...all by one guy. This same one guy decided that any female who mentioned implants or those booty pop panties had to be a *drum roll* HATER!

Excuse me for a minute here ok, but I don't really think that if you were born with a square flat ass, a million or more squats will turn it round and applicious. I'm getting the feeling that this brutha probably dates white chicks and has some self hate issues hiding in his scrotum. Hey, I'm not saying anything is wrong with dating a white chick.... I'm sure some are born with a big ole butt.... (insert shifty eyes)

Ever since Kim K and her "leaked" sex tape and her whooty, it seems ass implants are no longer reserved for video hos models and groupies. Nowadys little Becky from the bible belt is rushing out to buy some ass enhancing drawers dye her hair blonder than it already is and add some brown highlights, put on some barbie pink lipstick with the dark brown lipliner, and fake eyelashes to try to work her way up from l'il mo mo from the wrong side of the tracks, to a "baller" (you know the tall or stocky black guys who kick or throw a ball for a living) to the ultimate "big baller" (the rapper), and indulge in some "look pa I done found me a mandingo who licks me better than he picks ya cotton" fantasies

I think I'm missing the days where (cue Sir Mixx-a-lot video) the white chicks looked at a big old bootilicious ..baby I can see that ass from the front..., butt with disdain.

And me trying to get rid of my god given ass.....lol the world done flipped y'all.

Monday, 23 August 2010

things that make me go.hmmm politricks

It never ceases to amaze me how many things are politically motivated. They give Hurt Locker the "best movie" award, because it was made by a female. Right there, the old boy's club that is  Hollywood, is PC. But let's not stop there. They couldn't actually give the award to the movie that deserved it (not just cause I liked this movie ok), for creative use of CGI and good acting, and great cinematography. How could they give the award to Avatar, when the country has troops (under the guise of lending a helping hand); doing exactly what was portrayed in the movie.... going into another country, stripping it of its natural resources and disposing of any natives that get in the way...oh wait....that sounds familiar doesn't it.

I was watching the Miss Universe 2010  pageant, in which we had a contestant spewing nonsense about how she wants the world to know that it's all about how you feel on the inside.....um hello....this is a BEAUTY pageant on the most public level. But it get's better, because I was only half right, it's not just a beauty pageant, it's a way to soothe ruffled feathers. So they crown a Mexican, who's answer made no sense..but hey we don't see the talent portion, maybe she pulled a way to clean up the BP oil spill out of a   hat.....The crown a Mexican over the Jamaican girl, who clearly answered her question better...I wan't fond of her dress mind you, and she did pretend to be a twizzler when she walked, but apart from that, she was the front runner. But hey what do we know about judging right? Ok I've gone off course. Yes, they crown a Mexican, over the woman who seemed more deserving...and can we figure out why? Was it perhaps because of the very strained relationship (border patrols and immigration, arizona and whatnot) between the USA and Mexico?

I'm just saying.......

Sunday, 22 August 2010

True Blue

Have you ever had a situation where you were good enough for something not for another? I don't mean you are great with numbers and bad with grammar.

From what I gather, the paleness of my skin and the fact that people think I'm not bad looking and some hold me in some sort of esteem, meant that I was good enough to be with, to walk around with, to be shown off like a shiny new trophy, to hopefully be bred to produce lite and rite curly haired babies. However the fact that I had my own voice, opinion and in no way cared to be singing that stupid Destiny's Child song about catering to a man, meant that I had a defect and that defect need to be corrected.

HA!

I recently looked at "Madea's family Reunion", hadn't seen it in a while and I was in awe of the mother telling her daughter that she needed to "stop doing whatever it is you're doing to make him angry, then you won't have a problem". I mean hello? Your child is being abused and that's the advice you have. Being abused because she wasn't living up to whatever he considered HIS standards. Look pretty, don't say much, just be the killer accessory to compliment my designer suit.

Ladies, and Mens, (yes I meant to write that ok) back up and walk away as fast as you can without tripping over your joy of escape, if you're in a situation where the abuse is physical, mental or emotional, and trust me, having to be someone else to please your S.O is tantamount to Chinese water torture, at some point the real you and that fake persona you created will come to loggerheads. And like with quicksand, the more you fight against yourself the deeper you sink.

Let me be very clear about something. If you cannot be, or are not allowed to show you true self with the person you're with, then you need not be with that person!

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

..hhhmmm....eureka anyone?

Everyone has that "eureka" moment. You know, the one where you get slapped in the face really hard with the realisation of something. People have a near death experience or almost lose someone they love, lose a job, hit rock bottom...something happens and a switch flips. In that moment they face something; they may not realise that they weren't facing this particular issue, they may have been avoiding it...but in that moment they face it, and make a decision.

I had one of those recently. No loss of a loved one, no near death experience, but a lost love came back to me....well into my life...and I had to face the facts, that the situation I was in, just wasn't the right situation for me. Eureka! the months of not feeling "right" were not just some (as some people want to tell me) runaway bride, scared of commitment/life/happiness, feeling. It was a subconscious cry for help. So back to the "all things in their own time", the time came for me to face facts and it took a 10 minute conversation about nothing in particular to help me get to that point.

Don't get me wrong, a decision on my life wasn't made by someone else's suggestion or idea. It just took this particular incident to make me admit to myself what I already knew in my heart/gut. I suppose sometimes avoidance, not dealing with the niggling doubts, and ignoring your gut when it's talking to you (no those sounds are the hungry worms...not that) is easier and less scary than just doing what is going to be the best thing for you, especially when your decision will impact others.....sometimes the selfish (seemingly) decision is the right one, so let that eureka moment come to you in whatever shape or form it chooses and run with it, not away from it.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Everything in it's own time

I have pretty much adopted this mantra. You know all the phrases that go along with it, "que sera, sera", "things will happen when they're meant to" yada, yada, yada. Work gave me an ulcer, I don't want love to give me it's twin. Here's the big sigh moment: you've been in love with someone for what seem like forever, they seem to have that same feeling/connection for/to you, but you just somehow never seem to get it together for one reason or the other (keep up with me here)....Yes, things happen and don't, and "they' say we can't always see the reason right away, and there is a good reason behind it, but does that mean I have to like it? Fuck no!


See, I'm finally at a point in my life, where I'm grown enough to deal with certain things, I think this other person is at a point where he's ready for certain things, but while all this readiness comes to each of us at the same time, there is still a barrier keeping up apart. *SINGS* oceans apart day after day, and I slowly go insane..... I tend to like to know the whys..and this is frustrating me, I don't know why we can't be, I don't know the great reasoning behind it, and I don't like it. I want what I want right now, that is a me and him, and a possible mini combination, living a simple life, us against the world.

For now I guess I'll have to settle for the stranger in my town......it just sucks that's all.

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Rain

What is it about the rain that makes people just want to cuddle up and play 20toe catch up? Or is it just me? The sound of the rain (no this is not a mary j blige tribute), against my window pane, and the galvanize roof can either soothe me to sleep, or make me want to send off a postcard, face side saying "wish you were here". and dag nabit, wouldn't you know, it's raining in the tropics......

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Emotions vs Actions

I am of the humble opinion that emotions are something you cannot control, however you can choose how you react to certain situations.
I am, as most people are, guilty of bad reactions at one time or the other.I was looking back on certain events of my life and I wished I could have hot tub time machined myself and told my then self to relax and wait to react. I never want to change the emotions I went through, because I think you need to feel certain things, to help you become who you are.
What I cannot abide is people who take things badly and then instead of dealing with that, they tell all kinds of lies about whatever situation. Man/Woman up people! Be hurt and angry and elated and anxious, but for fuck's sake, be an adult and take it, roll with it and move on a better person, especially when you are of an age where you can reason with yourself. jeeze louise

Sunday, 23 May 2010

The One

Some people believe that there's one person in this world who is meant for them. They call this phenomenon by many names, "the one" and "soul mate" among other things. There are people who believe that this phenomenon does not exist. I'm of the former.

There has to be something said for having a connection with someone. I don't mean a lusting for the other person. I mean the kind of connection, that even after ups and downs, fights, lapses in communication and all other hardships, that person still gives you butterflies with just a look. That person still can make  you smile with a text that isn't even one line long. A connection isn't just physical, it's not just the fact that this is the person you want to look at every day til death parts you, because let's face it, hair starts to grow in odd places, body parts sag and pudge sets in after a while. A connection transcends the physical. Don't get me wrong, the physical is a very important factor, without it, in my humble opinion, you're just friends. And while (as someone said to me recently) relationships have their ups and downs, sometimes you want to jump on your partner, and at others you have the proverbial 'headache'; you shouldn't have to be praying to your god to get you through the sex without your gag reflexes coming into play, or  feeling violated.

Maybe there's more than one "the one" and I'm still pretty young, but I've only ever experienced it once, and I'm still experiencing it. I have met other people, nice enough men, treat you decent, have a sense of humor type guys, but lack the spark you get from that "one". Forgive me for being demanding or unreasonable, but I want all the bells and whistles if I'm going to do forever with someone. I have no intentions of settling for ok just because great isn't available to me at the time. I'd honestly rather be alone than be unhappy, settling and becoming more and more resentful of him and myself as the days go on because what, I decided to stay with a person just because all my contemporaries are settling down having kids and getting married.

Happy isn't mythical, happy is out there, we just have to take it and run with it when we find it, and for me to be truly happy, I have to have my 'one'. As for the 80/20 rule. Sure it exists, but be forewarned, sometimes 20 can outweigh the 80. What I mean is that you can write your list of pros and cons, you can come up 80 pros and 20 cons and think ok that's a great reason to be with someone, but if the happy doesn't come to you with that person, no amount of pros will ever sate you. And if the happy doesn't come with all the pros this person has to offer, on some level you know this isn't the 'one'

Monday, 10 May 2010

there has to be more to life than this......

this statement was made in casual conversation today and it got me thinking.....


Life sometimes seems like going hiking, bear with me here for a moment. You pack all supplies that you think will be needed, and of course a map of the area. You might even ask the advice of people who have done the hike before. The thing is, everyone has their own opinion on what is the best trail to take.

What I mean is, people are herded towards the one "right" path. get an education, get a job, find a mate, build a house, have some kids etc.........But what's to say that is the correct path for everyone to take?

If you say that you don't want to procreate, you're bombarded with a plethora of reactions, mainly a shock horror, something must be wrong with you.

If you don't want to go the education...mainstream, college university business, law or medical degree, again you must be mad. I remember my mother telling her boss once that I wanted to study The Arts, his own daughter had confided in me that she too was interested, but his reaction was that no one could make money off painting, why on earth would anyone allow their child to go such a crazy thing.

God, Jah, Allah, Buddah...whatever, forbid that you harbor an "I don't want to get married thought". That means you're absolutely positively nuts, because all people want to be married and women really need to be someone's wife. *sigh* With the wrong person that ring feels like a really small handcuff, fingercuff?

many of us end up in places, relationships etc that we're not completely happy in, but stay there because it just feels that that's where we are supposed to be at that point in our lives, because we have gotten so close to the situation and people that we feel obligated to see it through or feel bad about walking away from or hurting the other people that become casualties. We feel this way because we've been told all our lives that this is the road we need to trod. But is it really? why do we need to walk this path?Who really wants to end up settling because, they're unsure that they can have what they really want, but while 'this' isn't a great substitute for what they want, it's good enough that though they're not happy, they're also not unhappy. Are fates really sealed, or is there some way to break out of the fingercuff?



All I'm saying is that maybe before taking a trail on someone's advice, it may be best to consider that we all have different gaits, and your walk might not feel the same as the footsteps of people who have already taken that road, whether it be high or low.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Social Networking

As most people do, throughout my near 30 years on this planet, I've gone through many changes. I've done the partying, and now I'm ready to settle down and have a nice calm life. Please be warned, when I say settling down, I'm not particularly speaking about marriage and the likes. I'm not one of those women who at 30 worry about eggs drying up and then run around like a headless chicken looking for any man who might impregnate me and then marry me by shotgun ceremony.
I mean, I'm over the party, I've over a crowd of sweaty people bumping into me, spilling my coveted alcoholic beverage and trying to wine up on me. I'm much happier in a setting where I can engage in adult (no not the xxx variety) conversation, laugh and talk with real friends while sharing copious bottles of wine between us.


The thing is I'm not the biggest fan of people. So maybe I prefer to do this while alone on my chaise lounge where I can get up and head to a clean bathroom with no line, not have to comb my hair or help myself be a bit better looking with makeup, or dress in any particular way. Maybe I prefer to drink from the comfort of my home where I can check on my farm, organise my mafia, and not have to reply to the conversation right away. Maybe I like it that BRB can take you an hour with no annoyance from the person on the other end of the wireless world.

What I don't want is the barrage of friend requests that come along with the lovely virtual world.
If I'm not trying to make friends in the real world, why on earth would I want to make them virtually? But it is easier to "ignore" or "delete" the offender online.

What I don't get is why people who refuse to talk to you in a real world setting, passing you on the street, sitting next to you at the wine bar, behind you in line at the bank, whatever, will then send you a friend request and then not understand when they're not being taken on. If I won't share my wine with you in real life, chances are I won't be willing to share it virtually while discussing the movie we're all looking at together, yet separately.

Is it wrong to be more open to networking socially? Does it make you more introverted and hermit like? The latter possibly, but I've found that people will spill many a bean when they don't have to look you in the eye. I don't like beans all that much. I just want a nice quiet life where I can romance a good bottle of wine, without being bothered by mindless chatter that I have to respond to right away and keep a straight face while I do so. So when I do leave the shelter of my home, I give thanks that I have a small but smart and funny and trustworthy group of people I can call friends, and tolerate few others that I have to for whatever reason. Just don't expect me to tolerate the few in my happy little virtual world.