Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Dreams....

I have heard people say that they dream, in black and white, some people dream in colour, with others it's swatches of colour and picture. I dream in scenes. These come in two distinct types, either I'm watching it's a movie, or I'm a participant.
For the last 2 weeks I've had a recurring dream, of late it has been evolving, but the main focus is one thing, or one man i should say, maybe it's my relationship with this man....or lack thereof.

the scene:
my cell rings and no number is displayed, it's early morning (I never sleep) I'm a bit dubious but any number of my friend overseas could be calling because they know I'll be awake, so I answer. It's him. After a silence that isn't awkward, but more heavy with things unsaid, but not unpleasantly so, he tells me that he will be here in a few days and wonders if I'd come meet him, maybe or lunch. Again I'm dubious because hearing his voice is difficult enough, I'm not sure if I could see him and not breakdown. But he's persistent and I know he wouldn't ask me if it wasn't important. I agree.
act 2:
I meet him for lunch ( I believe in his hotel's restaurant) we talk, it's like a first date, not so much the flirting, but the uncertainty and shyness. He says that he has some function to go to and asks that I accompany him. I just want to kiss him, but I don't, I make no sudden moves into that zone. I tell him that that he looks great and thank him for inviting me, but explain to him that I won't be able to be with him for such a prolonged period...
he asks a waitress to take our picture and then he says maybe I could put it online (msn,myspace..whatever) which is odd, because he doesn't really like that kind of thing.

things get fuzzy after this.

recently it's become this

There is an official event that I'm invited to, his father is present, I try to avoid him because I don't want to have that conversation. Somehow I end up having that conversation and when I finally manage to get away, I turn and he's there.
OR
I walk into this event and he's there, we catch eyes and I can't deal with it, I turn and go downstairs into the bathroom, trying to pull myself together so people don't realise I'm dying inside, and I can't leave because I'm there with a family member and my abrupt departure would bring many questions that I'd rather not answer. I exit the bathroom and sit on a couch downstairs and he approaches, it's as if he came looking for me, he sits by me and we talk

again it gets fuzzy at this point

last night it became this:
Back to the cell call, this time I meet him in his hotel room, he tells me there's an important function that he has to attend and would I please accompany him, he doesn't tell me what it is, but I say of course and ask for a dress code. He tells me since he's putting me out he'll be paying for my outfit and hands me his card. I look at it as though it's got leprosy. He asks me what's the matter, and I explain that since we're not actually an item, I feel slightly kept, though I hear he tends to hand his card out to his 'friend' like candy I've never been on the receiving end and it feels kind of strange. He doesn't take this well, he seems more peeved about the 'friend' comment. I tell him that my coming there was a mistake and I leave. Outside his door I break down and tears are flooding down my cheeks, he doesn't follow me, I bump into someone while I'm walking away and she asks if I'm ok, I say no before looking up and realising who's speaking to me. It's his mother and she says my name. I'm stunned that she knows my name and I don't hide it, she says he used to talk of me often, I say that those days are gone and so am I. I then say that whatever even must be important because she's here, and she ask me if he didn't tell me what it is.I say no, she asks if I said no and I tell her that I said yes. She seems surprised that I'd say yes without knowing what I was accepting, and I explain to her, that I know he'd only involve me if it were something important to him and more so important that I be there (not that I know what that would be). I'm still visibly upset she asks if i want to come into her room until I'm ok and I try to decline but end up sitting on her bed crying about him. She then goes to get him and brings him to me and insists that we speak, she is about to leave us alone and I ask her to stay. She tells me to tell him how I feel about him and why...and I do, she then tells him to do the same, but he says nothing. After the silence gets overbearing I look at him say that it's ok, tell her that it was nice to meet her and get up to leave....

I don't know what happens next. I don't know why I'm having these dreams, the only constant is him...and I doubt anything like this is ever going to happen....

Monday, 10 March 2008

Soapboxes

I've been known to get on a small crate with 'soap' written on the side, when something irks me more than normal. The other day I was very disenheartened to hear that Movado wasn't allowed into the country because 'his lyrics are a major cause of youth violence' (I didn't say it). So it's not relative deprivation, it's not poverty, unemployment or just want of a quick buck that makes people get into a life of crime, oh no it's the lyric 'gangsta fuh life' right! *rolls eyes*. What got me going was the fact that the country was up in arms about that, to the extent that a local paper went on record in their editorial to talk against it. But that same paper had no problem part funding a show whose headliner is best known for lyrics such as 'hot fuk' and 'she's a ho'. The same paper was happy to let its staff get half price entry into a club night dubbed 'pimps and hos'. Now Jah Cure is set to perform in the country this coming weekend. There is nothing anywhere in the local media about this, the man has a criminal record, a sex offender no less. Now let's get one thing straight, I have always been on the side of the fence that thinks the whole case against him was hinky and though I wasn't there I'm not sure that I believe that he raped anyone, and he sure as hell seemed to not have a fair trial. That being said, what I'm getting at is that you can't in one breath bang on about censorship, and the decay caused to societies, and with the next breath have nothing to say because it either doesn't affect you, or will help you out in some way. You take a stand and you stick to it. I know this man who says that he's allergic to chicken, but he'll eat peleau but take the chicken out. Um hello it's cooked with chicken, if you're allergic the rice will affect you the same way. It's like people who refuse to eat the 'unclean' hog, but somehow at Christmas time they're the first in line for a slice of baked ham. It's the same animal.
Don't get me wrong here, I'm a HUGE fan of Jah Cure, I might even need to be put on suicide watch this weekend, since the link to the radio station isn't working for me anymore so I won't even be able to listen live online. I would have been front and center (well ok maybe not because I don't do ghetto ruffian crowds) doing the 'hot wuk' dance and singing along with 'she la la la la bum bum she lay I an I buk a hot gyal today'. Hell I would have been pon de gully side chanting 'force it up hard in har, mek she feel the 9 yard in har, mi sintin heavy like concord in har, mi cocky versus her punnany war'. I would have gotten my Pimp chalice out and ready to go to the club. All I'm saying is that there are certain issues that you just shouldn't straddle the fence over, especially if you've taken a stance as do gooder, big christian, preachy mc preachy or devil worshipper , whatever. Make up your mind about an issue and stay focused. While people are allowed to have a change of mind, something tells me the silence surrounding this has nothing to do with a change of heart or mind. I just find it kind of sickening really.
Maybe it's the LOS (lack of sex), maybe I'm not thinking clearly seeing that I believe that LOS is a major factor in the death of braincells, and the shut down of metabolism.. that being the case I may not have very long to live (not from the suicide I mentioned before, but from my damn body shutting down on me) *big sighs*.
Papa Cure, they say that your music hasn't been the same since you were released from prison. I don't know how true that is I haven't heard much from him since , but I love 'Sticky'. I suppose some of the best art, whether music, painting or poetry come from pain and suffering, creative people kind of thrive on it. But it's like an addict thinking they need a drug to be good at things. Once you were born with that talent, you don't need the suffering to bring out what's in you, just find the button that helps you bring it forth to the masses. I am truly devastated that I'll be missing that show, that would be a happy birthday for sure. Everyone enjoy and be safe!