Friday, 29 February 2008

Pictures

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I prefer being behind the camera than in front of it. I got into taking photos of myself for someone and now that someone is no longer with me, I don't really see the point, I'm never really inspired. However sometime when I get the phototakeouting bug I use myself as a guinea pig, since I have no one else. Yesterday I took a picture of myself that has fast become my favourite photo of myself anyway. I absolutely love it. The sick thing is, that as soon as I saw the photo I thought about that person who used to be the recipient, because he would really love the picture too. I honestly wrestled with myself about sending it to him, but then I came to my senses.......choices.

anyhoo just thought I'd share that with you all.

Thursday, 28 February 2008

better days ahead....one can hope

well I'm still not sleeping well. It seems that I've gone back to the way I was at the end of August of 2007. Not being able to sleep, mind ticking over about things too numerous to mention. I think my body is working over time to keep my mind occupied and therefore it's like my brain is hopped up on caffeine and can't shut off for a rest. It's really annoying, cause there is nothing good in this country on TV to watch while I'm up and ungodly hours tired but not sleepy.
I am also rather fed up with people coming online seeing me there and the first message from them is 'what are you doing up' or 'go in your bed'. Mfers are you paying my broadband, electricity or any other kind of bill that makes you feel that you have the right to ask me such fuckery? You know that old saying ....no not the one about nothing good to say, the one about empty barrels. Galong!
I am excited about Easter though, unfortunately I will not be in Bequia for Regatta, but there are going to be 2 really amazing movies on TV. I love love love 'The Wizard of Oz' frankly I'm obsessed. I am not sure why, maybe it's the message about soul searching , maybe it's the fact that it was one of the breakthrough technical advancements of it's day, maybe it's the score. But I love love love it. The other thing I'm extremely excited about is the adaptation of Terry Pratchett's "The Colour of Magic". I cannot wait to see this. In 2006 for the Christmas season they filmed, well they showed the adaptation of Prachett's "The Hogfather". It was soo good, visually stunning and true to the book, probably because Pratchett was on set and was very hands on with the scripting and casting. I'm really looking forward to this. :-) I'm just a big kid really.

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Choices

Last night was a bad night, an extremely bad night.....

The other day I wrote about my cousin and her choice to be happy. I do so envy her, because all I can do is choose to pretend for others, I can act when need be, but I can't just up and be happy, that's not who I am.

I made a choice the other day, I knew it wouldn't make me happy, but it's the right thing to do for me. Isn't it a bitch that being happy and doing the right thing are usually mutually exclusive.

Let me tell you a story.
One Sunday I was with my best friend and another of our friends on a beach. My back was turned to what on that day was being used as the entrance, and us girls were giggling about something. My bff kept glancing over my shoulder, but I didn't turn to look, instead I gave her a quizzical look. She replied ''X is here, he's been here for about 5 minutes and he spotted you almost right away and he's been staring at you ever since'' I still didn't turn to look, I wanted to but we were on funny terms and I really wasn't sure how I was supposed to react to him or how he would to me. Still it made me smile to think that he was looking at me, I lie, it made me happy, warm and fuzzy. That is until I realised that directly behind us stood one of the females that he is well known for um.. being friendly with. Bff may have thought that he was looking at me, but right then I was pretty sure he wasn't.X came over and said hello, give me a little hug that seemed a little obligatory, but I took it anyway. I observed the same female try to grab X as he walked past and he shrugged her off. I didn't know what to make of it so I turned away and tried to ignore the fact that he was there and not with me. The girls and I continued eating and drinking and well drinking some more, and decided that we needed to take a dip in the ocean to sober up. My back was turned to the shore until one of the girls said that X was approaching. I turned this time and looked at him, he looked back at me but did nothing, so I turned back and continued dipping and flipping my hair (I think I was trying to be sexy but don't quote me on that). When I turned once more X was gone. For all I know he'd come out to the quiet to make a call, not to find where I was. But that didn't stop my heart from sinking into my feet like a stone. That was the last I saw of X for the day. The girls and I continued having fun (well like I say, I can pretend when necessary) and the female from before kept staring at me, for reasons I still do not know.
The next afternoon and night was spent with the same girls and we were just chilling with friends in a very public place. Some how the female from the day before found it best to find a place to sit directly behind us. Every time I looked in that direction, there she was, she and her horrible weave staring at me. I stopped looking, be she didn't (people tend to notice an unblinking stare). I wondered why on earth this female kept looking at me, she already has the one man I love, what else is there. I still don't know what her issue was. I was facing away from the female and happened to see X appear out of nowhere. My stomach did that flip flop thing it does whenever I see him, then my mood fell. It fell to an even lower degree because of how long it took him to come say hi. Now I gotta say I love bff, she always has my back, so she isn't too fond of him, she thinks that he's 'sometimish'. She's right, he is, but that's the way he is, I'm not always fond of it, but I accept X for who he is. I do try to explain to bff that X is pretty decent. But she sees the effect he has on me and she won't hear any of it. I was upset to say the least that he seemed to ignore me and again the hello was just obligatory, but one could argue that he thought I was snubbing him the day before and therefore was treading carefully.

X and I have an odd relationship, I doubt anyone but us could understand it, I'm not sure that we understand it most days. That's the thing about relationships though, I think you sit down and lay out the boundaries, say what you both want and come to an agreement about what your relationship is, then you just stop trying to understand and just go with the tide. That's partly why I felt compelled to make the choice I did nearly 2 weeks ago.
I have good and bad days and nights. Last night just happened to be a very bad one. I sometimes wonder if after a bad day/night I happen to have tears left. But I always do. All me eyewater certainly nah done. It does make you know that you're still alive, and capable of feeling.

While I'm here I might as well just try to expel everything along these lines. I was talking to a male friend a few weeks ago who said 'boy one man can make allyuh hate all of us eh' and I was overly annoyed, because I do not hate men. I have just given up on finding one who will happily be in a monogamous relationship with me and only me. It just seems that most men are serial monogamists. You know the 'yeah baby you're the only one.....in this moment right here'. The thing with me, is that while I don't ask for much in the way of material things (however if you want to buy me some Jimmy Choos US size 8- 8 1/2 thanks) I want you to be mine heart, mind, body and soul, because that's what you'll get in return. And I just don't see men willing to give that. So I don't go out looking because I'm very scared that one day some really great actor will sweep me off my feet, break down all the walls I've managed to construct lull me into a false sense of security then crush me. I'm not really ready for all that. I'm not ready to give enough of myself to anyone. I don't believe in getting into a relationship and not being able to give all of you to the other person. So I guess it's just me and the TV from now on. No that's not the 'choice' i was talking about earlier, being alone isn't a bad thing.

I just hope tonight is a better night. A night where I get some sleep without having to saturate my pillow to get there, a night where I don't look in my inbox hundreds of times with a grain of hope that there's a reply, a night where I don't second guess my worth and wonder what she/ they have that makes them better. I'm taking it one second at a time, it's all i can do. As much as I'd like to I can't seem to CHOOSE to make it a good night. Time will tell.

Monday, 25 February 2008

Being Unnecessarily Nice.....

Random people (and by that I mean menfolk) on the street will sometimes say to me ''smile nuh babyluv''. I don't know why they are all confusing me with this babyluv person, but they say everyone has a doppelganger out there, she must be mine. I walk briskly about my business, I am West Indian by BIRTH, we are not designed nor structured for cold weather. The last thing on my mind is smiling at random people.
But there are circumstances where one does tend to nod and smile at people, these unnecessary acts of niceness are what lead to trouble. Case in point, I have lived in the same place for over 10 years, and I like to walk, this means the people who also live around the area, have become familiar to me and me to them.
There you go walking down the road, and after seeing the same people for a while you start smiling, nodding, or even saying good morning/evening/night/day (circle whichever is appropriate). let me tell you the result of my unnecessary acts of niceness.
There is this man I would pass everyday on my way to or from college, he was pleasant enough and non life threatening looking, after a while I started saying hello to flat top (that is what I called him in my head, because he has that old man flat top Afro type haircut). Some how flat top got it into his head that my unnecessary act of niceness was his cue to long stop me one day. I need to set the scene:
Biting London wind, in the dead of winter, flat top's fake leather coat is flapping in the wind, turning him into the worst living impersonation of 'Shaft' since Samuel L Jackson. It's still dark, too early in the morning to even speak about, I have a book laden backpack and I am not exactly smiling.
OK, I know you can see where this is headed, why didn't he???
Flat top long stops me, and I stop, he proceedes to ask me how I am. I am now very cagey and without making it obvious I am trying to figure my easiest escape route if he tries anything funny. Even though I've got a quizzical look on my face he has obviously taken this as flirtation and tops it all off by telling me that we should have a drink sometime or would it be possible for him to take me to dinner. Um?
I am already annoyed that this man who I have only been polite to (because well I'm human, and one day if I'm being mugged I'd like for someone to say 'hey let's help ,she says hello to me') has broken the sacred vow of silence , now he's coming at me with a horrific Nigerian (if you're offended, well tough, there are many accents I cannot abide, and Nigerian is one of them, followed closely by Bajan and Welsh)accent telling me we should go have a drink. Heavy bag, nyampy surely in my eye, half awake and cold, and this fool breaks the code to harass me for a date?
I know you people really aren't asking what I said to him.... let us just say that he now passes me straight on the road, and pretends (much to my joy) that he doesn't see me.

let us all stop being unnecessarily nice to each other. I am not condoning violence, just niceness. Thank you, you can go now.

Sunday, 24 February 2008

"I choose to be happy"

One of my favourite people popped by on Friday after she finished work. She's my 39 year old cousin, and she has been to hell and back the past couple years, but somehow she's always smiling. I'm serious she's an eternal ray of sunshine, you can't help but feel good around her,I absolutely adore her. She said that a coworker had asked her why she was always happy, and her response was that she chose to be. I think that's one hell of a mantra to live by.
Anyhoo, she, my aunt and I got into talking about a lot of stuff, over some Mount Gay and stew chicken, rice and peas and ginger sauteed veggies.
One of the topics was marriage. She asked if I wanted to have the 'big day' fluffy white gown, bridesmaids and the whole nine yards. As I have said before I was never the child playing mommies, and daddies and 'house' back in grade school. I was never the young woman with a scrapbook of wedding ideas. Marriage isn't essential to me. I'm not saying if I was asked by the right guy,I'd say no, but I wouldn't die a slow and painful death if it doesn't happen. There is only one man who I ever pictured myself married to, and unfortunately I don't see that as something he wants to happen, but had he asked me, the answer would definitely have been yes....would still be yes. Anyway, back to the wedding, I said that while the 'big day' would be ok, I mean ok, it could be done I'd be fine with it, but I'd much rather have something low key. Barefoot on a powder fine sandy beach with the waves lapping at our feet, a flower in my hair, the priest and a few people who wish us well, would be wonderful. Hell I could see myself eloping to Vegas or going to a registry office/city hall. I'm not a fussy person, I don't need the show, just a big slice of chocolate cake, a man who will promise (and be true to his word) to love, respect and honour me the way I love, respect and honour him, and another piece of cake :), (that includes us being in a monogamous relationship with and only with each other) and all will be well.

in other news the diet and exercise thing is going to hell in a handbasket. I need some help!!
:( jeeze no wonder Voldy bailed.

y'all think they got lay away for lipo?