Monday, 24 March 2008

time

I’ve never actually been on a date per say. Where I’m from people just tend to hang out in groups. When I was young…ger… you kind of just happened upon intimate relationships. You liked one of the people you hung with, he liked you back, somehow a hand was held a kiss happened and Robert was your mother’s brother. No one really asked you to be their boyfriend or girlfriend, you just somehow knew that it was so, and soon you both started referring to each other in public and private as each other’s girl/boyfriend. The older you get, the less trusting you are in that unspoken promise, the more you need to hear the other person speak the words. It just carries more weight to hear someone say ‘I love you’, ‘will you go out with me’ ‘will you marry me’ et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Recently I’ve been thinking about settling down. And for you people out there who have come across this page by making a mistake in typing (this is a private page and not on the search engine list) I’m not hearing a ticking from somewhere inside me, I’m not about to ask random men on the street to donate some sperm so I can produce a rather attractive offspring (anyone who knows me knows that is not a road I want to travel).

I’ve always maintained that marriage isn’t the be all and end all of my life, and it isn’t, but for whatever reason I’ve been thinking more and more about what it might be like with a certain someone. I’d rather these thoughts didn’t enter my mind, and for the most part they don’t but most of the contact I’ve had with him recently has included some light reference to the ‘M’ word.

I’ve never been the kind of girl who can have a million and on sexual partners and think nothing of it. Sometimes I wish I could have been that um…free spirited, I’d certainly have had a lot more sex in my life. But it’s just not me. I’m basically a one man woman which has been rather unfortunate for me at certain intervals because men aren’t always about one woman…and I’m not at all interested in a serial monogamy.

I’ve been ready to have a long term relationship/marriage/living with/very serious relationship since I was about 21. I won’t get into the catalyst that caused that. Anyway in my mind’s eye I can see a few things that I want, and again I wish I didn’t because it’d be a real disappointment if they didn’t. But at the end of the day isn’t that what we all want/need…someone who can take away the frustration of your day, make the gray skies blue, just make you feel better by being near them/ hearing their voice/ seeing an email…whatever, but someone who can make your whole world a better place to live without having to do anything at all but just be. I know exactly why I’m thinking along these lines…and when I try not to my damn subconscious comes along and hits me upside my head with deeper thoughts and dream and wishes and ideas about the very same thing I’m trying to avoid.

This settling down thing just isn’t about to happen though, because I’m not sure that I know of a man out there who has the same feelings for me that I do for him, that is one who is ready to be a me(me as in the person writing this) only man, and essentially that’s what I need. I need to know that when I’m not with him whether that is in another country/state/parish/building/area of a club or restaurant etc that he’s not busy doing things to someone else that I’d not be happy with. I think a lot of people believe that you can’t have a sexually fulfilled relationship with one person. Rubbish! Of course you can. One guy asked me a couple months back, how on earth I can even say I know anything when I’ve only had x amount of sexual partners (since you’re curious it’s very much under 10). So in his thinking, you have to have ha sex with over 100 people to know what you’re doing. Um no! Experimenting, role playing, costumes…I think I heard something about the great outdoors lol, all that can be done with just one partner. What is up with you people?

So yes, I’m quite ready to settle down (all the feminists are about to beat me with their handbags now) and be barefoot (ok maybe heels and a sexy chef outfit, or socks if it's cold) in the kitchen making dinner for my man to come home to, though I'd be very happy with him making me dinner or us cooking together. Don’t get me wrong I know this isn’t the 1950’s I just like to cook. Yes I’m interested in a career; yes I’d like to work. I wouldn’t mind working from home, I have no problem in working from an office, I wouldn’t mind working in the field (not so much digging potatoes, but more photo take outing). But I also am quite domesticated; my friends tend to call me Delia and Martha sometimes, which is fine by me..well except the fact that they’re both older white women *raises eyebrows suspiciously*.

Anyway yes, so, long story short, I’m quite ready to settle down and curl up next to him with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. Sometimes the simplest things are the most rewarding/important/memorable.

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