Wednesday, 12 March 2008


I have heard people say that they dream, in black and white, some people dream in colour, with others it's swatches of colour and picture. I dream in scenes. These come in two distinct types, either I'm watching it's a movie, or I'm a participant.
For the last 2 weeks I've had a recurring dream, of late it has been evolving, but the main focus is one thing, or one man i should say, maybe it's my relationship with this man....or lack thereof.

the scene:
my cell rings and no number is displayed, it's early morning (I never sleep) I'm a bit dubious but any number of my friend overseas could be calling because they know I'll be awake, so I answer. It's him. After a silence that isn't awkward, but more heavy with things unsaid, but not unpleasantly so, he tells me that he will be here in a few days and wonders if I'd come meet him, maybe or lunch. Again I'm dubious because hearing his voice is difficult enough, I'm not sure if I could see him and not breakdown. But he's persistent and I know he wouldn't ask me if it wasn't important. I agree.
act 2:
I meet him for lunch ( I believe in his hotel's restaurant) we talk, it's like a first date, not so much the flirting, but the uncertainty and shyness. He says that he has some function to go to and asks that I accompany him. I just want to kiss him, but I don't, I make no sudden moves into that zone. I tell him that that he looks great and thank him for inviting me, but explain to him that I won't be able to be with him for such a prolonged period...
he asks a waitress to take our picture and then he says maybe I could put it online (msn,myspace..whatever) which is odd, because he doesn't really like that kind of thing.

things get fuzzy after this.

recently it's become this

There is an official event that I'm invited to, his father is present, I try to avoid him because I don't want to have that conversation. Somehow I end up having that conversation and when I finally manage to get away, I turn and he's there.
I walk into this event and he's there, we catch eyes and I can't deal with it, I turn and go downstairs into the bathroom, trying to pull myself together so people don't realise I'm dying inside, and I can't leave because I'm there with a family member and my abrupt departure would bring many questions that I'd rather not answer. I exit the bathroom and sit on a couch downstairs and he approaches, it's as if he came looking for me, he sits by me and we talk

again it gets fuzzy at this point

last night it became this:
Back to the cell call, this time I meet him in his hotel room, he tells me there's an important function that he has to attend and would I please accompany him, he doesn't tell me what it is, but I say of course and ask for a dress code. He tells me since he's putting me out he'll be paying for my outfit and hands me his card. I look at it as though it's got leprosy. He asks me what's the matter, and I explain that since we're not actually an item, I feel slightly kept, though I hear he tends to hand his card out to his 'friend' like candy I've never been on the receiving end and it feels kind of strange. He doesn't take this well, he seems more peeved about the 'friend' comment. I tell him that my coming there was a mistake and I leave. Outside his door I break down and tears are flooding down my cheeks, he doesn't follow me, I bump into someone while I'm walking away and she asks if I'm ok, I say no before looking up and realising who's speaking to me. It's his mother and she says my name. I'm stunned that she knows my name and I don't hide it, she says he used to talk of me often, I say that those days are gone and so am I. I then say that whatever even must be important because she's here, and she ask me if he didn't tell me what it is.I say no, she asks if I said no and I tell her that I said yes. She seems surprised that I'd say yes without knowing what I was accepting, and I explain to her, that I know he'd only involve me if it were something important to him and more so important that I be there (not that I know what that would be). I'm still visibly upset she asks if i want to come into her room until I'm ok and I try to decline but end up sitting on her bed crying about him. She then goes to get him and brings him to me and insists that we speak, she is about to leave us alone and I ask her to stay. She tells me to tell him how I feel about him and why...and I do, she then tells him to do the same, but he says nothing. After the silence gets overbearing I look at him say that it's ok, tell her that it was nice to meet her and get up to leave....

I don't know what happens next. I don't know why I'm having these dreams, the only constant is him...and I doubt anything like this is ever going to happen....

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