Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Choices

Last night was a bad night, an extremely bad night.....

The other day I wrote about my cousin and her choice to be happy. I do so envy her, because all I can do is choose to pretend for others, I can act when need be, but I can't just up and be happy, that's not who I am.

I made a choice the other day, I knew it wouldn't make me happy, but it's the right thing to do for me. Isn't it a bitch that being happy and doing the right thing are usually mutually exclusive.

Let me tell you a story.
One Sunday I was with my best friend and another of our friends on a beach. My back was turned to what on that day was being used as the entrance, and us girls were giggling about something. My bff kept glancing over my shoulder, but I didn't turn to look, instead I gave her a quizzical look. She replied ''X is here, he's been here for about 5 minutes and he spotted you almost right away and he's been staring at you ever since'' I still didn't turn to look, I wanted to but we were on funny terms and I really wasn't sure how I was supposed to react to him or how he would to me. Still it made me smile to think that he was looking at me, I lie, it made me happy, warm and fuzzy. That is until I realised that directly behind us stood one of the females that he is well known for um.. being friendly with. Bff may have thought that he was looking at me, but right then I was pretty sure he wasn't.X came over and said hello, give me a little hug that seemed a little obligatory, but I took it anyway. I observed the same female try to grab X as he walked past and he shrugged her off. I didn't know what to make of it so I turned away and tried to ignore the fact that he was there and not with me. The girls and I continued eating and drinking and well drinking some more, and decided that we needed to take a dip in the ocean to sober up. My back was turned to the shore until one of the girls said that X was approaching. I turned this time and looked at him, he looked back at me but did nothing, so I turned back and continued dipping and flipping my hair (I think I was trying to be sexy but don't quote me on that). When I turned once more X was gone. For all I know he'd come out to the quiet to make a call, not to find where I was. But that didn't stop my heart from sinking into my feet like a stone. That was the last I saw of X for the day. The girls and I continued having fun (well like I say, I can pretend when necessary) and the female from before kept staring at me, for reasons I still do not know.
The next afternoon and night was spent with the same girls and we were just chilling with friends in a very public place. Some how the female from the day before found it best to find a place to sit directly behind us. Every time I looked in that direction, there she was, she and her horrible weave staring at me. I stopped looking, be she didn't (people tend to notice an unblinking stare). I wondered why on earth this female kept looking at me, she already has the one man I love, what else is there. I still don't know what her issue was. I was facing away from the female and happened to see X appear out of nowhere. My stomach did that flip flop thing it does whenever I see him, then my mood fell. It fell to an even lower degree because of how long it took him to come say hi. Now I gotta say I love bff, she always has my back, so she isn't too fond of him, she thinks that he's 'sometimish'. She's right, he is, but that's the way he is, I'm not always fond of it, but I accept X for who he is. I do try to explain to bff that X is pretty decent. But she sees the effect he has on me and she won't hear any of it. I was upset to say the least that he seemed to ignore me and again the hello was just obligatory, but one could argue that he thought I was snubbing him the day before and therefore was treading carefully.

X and I have an odd relationship, I doubt anyone but us could understand it, I'm not sure that we understand it most days. That's the thing about relationships though, I think you sit down and lay out the boundaries, say what you both want and come to an agreement about what your relationship is, then you just stop trying to understand and just go with the tide. That's partly why I felt compelled to make the choice I did nearly 2 weeks ago.
I have good and bad days and nights. Last night just happened to be a very bad one. I sometimes wonder if after a bad day/night I happen to have tears left. But I always do. All me eyewater certainly nah done. It does make you know that you're still alive, and capable of feeling.

While I'm here I might as well just try to expel everything along these lines. I was talking to a male friend a few weeks ago who said 'boy one man can make allyuh hate all of us eh' and I was overly annoyed, because I do not hate men. I have just given up on finding one who will happily be in a monogamous relationship with me and only me. It just seems that most men are serial monogamists. You know the 'yeah baby you're the only one.....in this moment right here'. The thing with me, is that while I don't ask for much in the way of material things (however if you want to buy me some Jimmy Choos US size 8- 8 1/2 thanks) I want you to be mine heart, mind, body and soul, because that's what you'll get in return. And I just don't see men willing to give that. So I don't go out looking because I'm very scared that one day some really great actor will sweep me off my feet, break down all the walls I've managed to construct lull me into a false sense of security then crush me. I'm not really ready for all that. I'm not ready to give enough of myself to anyone. I don't believe in getting into a relationship and not being able to give all of you to the other person. So I guess it's just me and the TV from now on. No that's not the 'choice' i was talking about earlier, being alone isn't a bad thing.

I just hope tonight is a better night. A night where I get some sleep without having to saturate my pillow to get there, a night where I don't look in my inbox hundreds of times with a grain of hope that there's a reply, a night where I don't second guess my worth and wonder what she/ they have that makes them better. I'm taking it one second at a time, it's all i can do. As much as I'd like to I can't seem to CHOOSE to make it a good night. Time will tell.

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